I Call It Dating. You Call It Stalking.

Pick up lines that still work

When you haven’t been on a date since BEFORE THE Y2K fearpocalypse, it’s a frightening concept to consider talking to women because you just know that they can smell it on you and they know and they’ll laugh to themselves and you’ll just die a little inside until you’re just a shriveled husk of a boy. Or is that just me?

Regardless, it can be hard to come up with conversation topics with women other than “I love your shoes” and “Can I get a light even though I don’t really smoke *hack* *hack* *cough* *lung*?” And those two topics suck because one tells her that you’re gay and the other tells her that you really like her shoes.

I’ve decided to help all the single men out there by digging deep into my memory and pulling out some of the timeless pick up lines that will always work. It’s been a while, though, so my memory’s not what it used to be:

  • If I told you that I had a huge penis, would you hold it against me?
  • If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put your V and my P together.
  • Oh baby, you look so sweet, you’ve given me a toothache. And now I need to go to the fucking dentist. Thanks.
  • Did it hurt when you plummeted from heaven, had all of your flesh burned off as you entered the atmosphere, and crashed here on Earth?
  • Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see. And you look inbred. Plus you’re wearing overalls.
  • If you don’t give me my heart back, I’m going to call the fucking cops, you goddamn thief.
  • Do you have any raisins? How about a date? A prune? Some type of fiber – I’m really constipated.
  • Fuck me if I’m wrong, but haven’t we met before?
  • That outfit would look great in a pile next to my bed which is shaped like a racecar!
  • I’ll bet you $10 that I can fit something about seven inches long into something about four inches deep.
  • I just moved you to the top of my tasks list.
  • How do you like your eggs? And do you want bacon or sausage? Orange juice? How do you like your coffee?
  • Do you know karate? Because your body is totally embracing the martial arts discipline appropriately.
  • Excuse me, but does this smell like chloroform to you?
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54 Replies to “Pick up lines that still work”

  1. Poppy

    I think Dawg used a pick-up line on me when we met up at the airport that first time waaaaay back for Cereal Wednesday. I don’t remember what it was, but I’m going to admit in retrospect that it obviously worked on me so well that I moved across state line into his mom’s basement for a month just so I could be with him. Now THAT’S a pick-up line. Or maybe Dawg’s just a charmer, considering I can’t remember what it was… hmm.

    That comment seemed funnier in my head.

  2. Jen the Trephinist

    The best pickup line I’ve heard lately was “You seem okay. I wouldn’t back over you with my car right away.” Ultimately, it didn’t work out, but it was possibly the only time a complete stranger has managed to score a date with me.

  3. ML

    Also single (for the first time since George Michael wasn’t gay) I am intrigued by and sympathetic to your approach. I think some of these could totally work. Particularly favored the “plummeted from heaven,… flesh burned off as you entered the atmosphere” one. I do love a man who’s just keepin’ it real!

  4. Valerie

    You ended with a bang there. I recommend the pickup artist series. I learned a lot and know I totally would fall for those lines/moves if i was out there. I’m going to show that to the girls when they’re older so they are more aware.

  5. Liz Hill

    Way back in the day—the best line I ever heard was “Hey you can trust me–I’m with three Japanese guys”. This was from a total stranger trying to get me to stop so he could ask which of two bars was the better one to take them to. It made me laugh so I stopped and talked to him. We dated about 6 months before he got transferred back to California.

  6. Mocha

    The Tennessee one is my favorite because I can actually SEE that woman and HEAR you saying it to her. Thankfully, women don’t need pick up lines. Well, I don’t anyway. My boobs do all the talking for me.

  7. Blondefabulous

    Best one I ever got was, “Me & my friend have a bet that you’re a lesbian… wanna prove us wrong?” It was so bad I turned right there, french kissed my roommate(college) and said, “Oh wow! Looks like you were right!” Asses.

    Dude liked to passed out right there. Funniest shit eveah!

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