At the young age of 76, Larry King has announced his intentions to step down from hosting his CNN show “Larry King Live” after a 25-year run. While there’s plenty of speculation with what he’ll do for his final show, I would like to offer a few suggestions:
1. Invite Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, Michael Vick, Osama bin Laden, Bernie Madoff, Reverend Phelps, and a team of Mossad agents in for an interview. Lay knives, grenades, and a spear on the table. Have his first question be a round table question where each person tells the most offensive joke they know. Start with Mel.
2. Two words: Clothing optional. Two more words: Except suspenders.
3. Have Jerry Springer be the guest host, and invite Larry as the guest. Also, invite all 34 of his ex-wives and Steve the security guard. Provide chairs and hair extensions, keep a finger on the censor button, and just see what happens.
4. Along the lines of Geraldo Rivera’s big Al Capone reveal, show us what the hell is in Larry King’s pants to keep getting all of those wives.
5. How about a crossover finale? A Larry King Live/Bachelor crossover during which Larry divorces his current wife and tries to pick a new one before he dies could be a ratings killer!
6. Old Man Battle Royale! Who will be the last man standing shakily in a fight to the death between Larry, Dick Clark, Wilford Brimley, Willard Scott, and Bob Barker. Winner gets a night with Betty White. Or Lindsay Lohan.
7. Have a serious conversation with BP executives about what they’re going to do. When they say “I Don’t Know”, dump slime on their heads ala “You Can’t Do That On Television”! Except instead of slime, make it oil with dead birds and fish in it.
8. Have no guests except Larry himself. Larry will sit down and provide an oral history of the world that he has personally experienced, including the life of King Tut, the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, and the Big Bang.
9. Ninja attack. Larry can demonstrate that he is a surprisingly wily foe.
10. A line-by-line re-enactment of “The Princess Bride” with Larry King playing all roles except that of Enigo, who will be played by Mandy Patinkin himself.
11. Larry King. Don King. Burger King. The King family sits down and discusses their rough childhood being raised by abusive parents Nosmo King and Sofa King.
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