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Anyone who’s ever been in sales or seen Glengarry Glen Ross knows about the ABCs of sales. Always Be Closing. So simple, yet so perfect. It’s easy to use as a motivator and impossible to forget.

I think it would be much easier if every job, hobby, and other aspect of life had such a simple mantra using letters of the alphabet.

Dating: Always Bring Condoms

Babysitting: Don’t Eat Feces

Taco Bell Job: Give Him Indigestion

High School Bullying: Just Kidding, Losers

Being Greek: Make Noise: Opa!

Adulterer: Perform Quickie, Run

For Depression: Start Trying Uppers

Gerard Butler’s character from 300: Violently Wrangle Xerxes

Spice Girl: Yell Zig Ah

Police Officer: Be Chewing Donuts

Frodo: Escape From Gollum

Working at the Needle Exchange: Helpfully Inject Junkies

Lesbian: Kindly Lick Muff

Vulcan: Needlessly Observe Protocol

Priest or Nun: Quietly Resist Sex

Andrew Zimmern from Bizarre Foods: Taste Ugandan Venison

Anxious Person: Wanting Xanax Yumminess

And of course, don’t forget the most important mantra for Bloggers: Β Always Be Commenting.

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67 Replies to “Alpha”

      • B.E. Earl

        @Avitable, You know, I generally like David Mamet films. The unique dialogue is a little mesmerizing. Like in Heist, The Spanish Prisoner or even Spartan. But I don’t think you are missing anything by having never seen this one all the way through. I just couldn’t get into it. That particular scene, of course, is brilliant. I’ll watch that scene over and over and over again.

  1. Sheila

    Yeah…..I’m nowhere near creative enough for this shit.

    Oh well, such is life.

    I was impressed by the Yell Zig Ah but my favorite is the one you didn’t write, LOL.

    “Funny Go Haha”

    Cracks me up, man.

  2. whall

    Always verify if the adult bee leaves eggs around. Very itchy testicles aren’t bearable. Learn every avenue. Vengeful, I tactfully allow bullies leeway. Each army vanquishes in tanks as bombs lay extinction.

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