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My Murtaugh List. Actually, a Bucket List plus Benadryl

Thanks to Faiqa for the idea. From the Urban Dictionary:

Murtaugh List: A list made famous from the TV show, “How I Met Your Mother” inspired by Danny Glover’s character Roger Murtaugh in the movie series Lethal Weapon. Murtaugh’s catch phrase in these movies was, “I’m too old for this shit.”  Putting something on the Murtaugh List acknowledges that as you grow up, there’s stuff you just no longer do…”

After sitting here for almost an hour, I realized that there’s nothing that I’m really too old to do.  I also realized that my allergies were fucking killing me and it was really hard to think with the Benadryl and Klonopin cocktail I had taken.  Everything I came up with more related to maturity/etiquette issues, like crashing at someone’s house when there’s a hotel nearby or letting my parents pay for dinner when we go out.

So, instead, before I got too fuzzy to type straight, I decided to come up with my list of things that I’m still young enough to do, that I should do, that I would like to do, before I die at the ripe old age of 35 by being shot while breaking into Sarah Silverman’s vagina:

  • Write a book.
  • Earn at least one million dollars in a year.
  • See the following countries at a minimum:  Ireland, Italy, France, Australia, Japan, Russia, Amsterdam, and Germany.
  • Do stand up comedy.
  • Take an evasive driving/executive protector driving course.
  • Go on a paranormal investigation.
  • Learn how to sing.
  • Eat an endangered species.
  • Go to a firing range and learn to fire a pistol.
  • Swim with sharks.
  • Ride a dolphin.
  • Visit every state in the United States.
  • Be on TV.
  • Get in a fight.
  • Have a child.
  • Get hate mail.
  • Meet a President.
  • Go to Denny’s.
  • I really want some bacon.
  • And ice cream!
  • Really pull off a hat.
  • Oh, and fly.
  • Learn how to be invisible.
  • I almost typed indivisible there!
  • Murder someone and get away with it.
  • Oops, I already did that one.
  • Did I say go to Denny’s already?
  • Punch Axl Rose.
  • Eat a rhinoceros.
  • Make a household object into a bong.
  • Figure out how to use a bong and what you put into it.
  • Watch Justin Bieber on the MTV VMAs oh baby baby baby.
  • Feel my numb ears and nose.
  • Shiny.
  • Sleeeeep.

What’s on your die bucket?

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63 Replies to “My Murtaugh List. Actually, a Bucket List plus Benadryl”

  1. Clown

    I have three ways that you may finally be able to “really pull off a hat”

    1 – Go back in time
    2 – Put on a hat and then pull it right off your head with excessive force
    3 – Be somebody else

    You’re welcome.

  2. Lora

    wait. You don’t get hate mail? Not even hate email? How do I get loads of it for my, um, slightly less than conservative takes on things and you get none of it and you are wholly irreverent?

  3. leel

    i would very much encourage you to watch louie (re: louie c.k.) because a) i love it b) i see you being kinda like him stand-up comedian wise, and c) i wanna see you do stand up as part of MY bucket list now. so get to it. MY bucket list now depends on it. no pressure though. 😉

  4. Lisa

    I’ve ridden a dolphin! It’s AWESOME!

    I can neither confirm nor deny bong knowledge (it’s like riding a bike right? You never forget.) but I’d take you shooting. I think you’ll actually like it.

  5. DanjerusKurves

    Write a book. — Done, I do this every time I fill out a job application.
    Earn at least one million dollars in a year. — Done, if you count Monopoly money, that is.
    See the following countries at a minimum: Ireland, Italy, France, Australia, Japan, Russia, Amsterdam, and Germany. — Done, only 7 different countries besides Germany.
    Do stand up comedy. — Done, every time I go on a date.
    Take an evasive driving/executive protector driving course. — Done, have you ever seen me drive?
    Go on a paranormal investigation. — Done, every time I visit my family.
    Learn how to sing. — Done, since you didn’t use the phrase “consistently in tune”.
    Eat an endangered species. — Done, at a restaurant in Austin. Puked on the way home. OK, it was not totally endangered. Not at all. But it was really gamey.
    Go to a firing range and learn to fire a pistol. — Done, with several different handguns; was chastised for immediately out-shooting my instructor with a .357 Magnum.
    Swim with sharks. — Done, sort of, I’ve worked with a ton of attorneys and assorted baby sharks just out of law school.
    Ride a dolphin. — Done, if we are talking about the sex toy.
    Visit every state in the United States. — Done? I’ve visited only 11, but have driven through or flown over many others. Does spending the night at a motel count?
    Be on TV. — Done, I once sat on top of my old-style 100-lb CRT TV while moving.
    Get in a fight. — Way over-done.
    Have a child. — Done, my kats ARE my babies!!!
    Get hate mail. — Done, now stop sending me those mean emails.
    Meet a President. — Done, if you count the corporate job title.
    Go to Denny’s. — Done and done.
    I really want some bacon. — Done, hence my weight gain over the past couple of years … OK, that and my now defunct fondness for vodka.
    And ice cream! — Done, and have the lactose intolerance to prove it.
    Really pull off a hat. — Done, photographed myself in my cowgirl hat and my pulled-off dress. *wink*
    Oh, and fly. — Done, but damn, airfare is expensive these days!
    Learn how to be invisible. — Done, because apparently I have been invisible to employers for the past 18 months.
    I almost typed indivisible there! — Undone, I didn’t!!
    Murder someone and get away with it. — Done … wait, are you a cop? is this entrapment? try proving it, buddy!
    Oops, I already did that one. — Done, answered that one already!
    Did I say go to Denny’s already? — Done, been there enough times to cover this one twice.
    Punch Axl Rose. — Done, only it was an accidental body slam when I tripped on the final stair on my way to the bathroom at The Rainbow in Hollywood and he happened to be standing right there.
    Eat a rhinoceros. — Done, damn vodka goggles and that one really fat guy.
    Make a household object into a bong. — Done … well, who hasn’t done this one?
    Figure out how to use a bong and what you put into it. — Done, and discovered I have a really, really bad reaction to that stuff.
    Watch Justin Bieber on the MTV VMAs oh baby baby baby. — Undone. OK, you’ve got me here.
    Feel my numb ears and nose. — Undone. You want me to feel your what?
    Shiny. — Done!! yes! yes! yes! shiny! you know … um …
    Sleeeeep. — zzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZ

  6. Issa

    I once ate shark. I’m not sure I’d want to swim with them. I probably ate their cousin. Then they’d eat me.

    I’d like to write a novel and have it be on a bestseller list. I’d like to have another baby. I’d like to be able to make my own sushi. Oh and I’d like to live in California again.

  7. Kimberly

    I accidentally took benadryl before work this morning. I’m impressed you got anything written. I’m with you on the traveling…I’ve been to a lot of great places, but I’d like to do more. I’ve never made a bong, but I have a friend who used to come over to my house and make them out of my apples. I’m not sure how he did it (I was too afraid of being arrested), but I can find out.

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