Did you know that Canadians have a Thanksgiving, too, except it’s not on the last Thursday of November, it’s on the second Monday of October? Those maple-syrup drinking, socialist medicine having, bilingual speaking people do everything backwards. Thanksgiving BEFORE Halloween? It’s crazy!
To try to shed some light on it, I thought I’d interview a Canadian and let her speak for the entirety of Canada when discussing Thanksgiving. I emailed Loukia and she was excited to participate as long as I paid her in wool hats, seal blubber, and Monopoly money.
1. So, here in the US, during Thanksgiving, we are celebrating the murder of Native Americans and the theft of their land. What is Canadian Thanksgiving about? Or should I ask “What is Canadian Thanksgiving aboot?”
We don’t celebrate for the same reason. I’ll give you your answer once you tell me who the Prime Minister of Canada is. No Google allowed.
2. Is it true that Canadian turkeys speak French and English?
Oui, c’est vrai. Not just any type of French, though. Quebec French. So our turkeys swear a lot. Tabarnac. And sometimes they combine the two languages together and say things like shit la marde. That’s my favourite. Our turkeys taste better than your turkeys, too. And they’re bigger.
3. A traditional American Thanksgiving meal usually includes turkey, mashed potatoes, fried bull’s testicles, and corn. What do you usually eat?
We eat the eyeballs and the intestines.
4. Tell me your four favorite things about Thanksgiving.
- The meat sweats. That’s the best.
- The post-turkey nap.
- All the meat.
- Whipped cream. On the pie.
5. Why do you guys copy all of the best holidays from the US? Can’t anybody in Canada be original?
For your information, Canadian Thanksgiving began in 1578. US Thanksgiving started in 1621. I suck at math, but I’m pretty sure you stole that holiday from us! Also, we are original. We say eh. And we all live in igloos.
6. When the United States finally annexes Canada and you become our largest state, would you prefer the Canadian Thanksgiving or the more awesome US Thanksgiving, which also is followed by Black Friday, the biggest shopping day of the year?
You had me at Black Friday. Annex away. (But can we keep Thanksgiving in October? Because US Thanksgiving falls far too close to Christmas. It doesn’t give families enough of a break from seeing eachother. Here, we pace ourselves. We’re smart like that. Also, can we keep our pretty colourful money?)
7. Is there football in Canada? Do people actually tackle each other or do they just politely tap each other on the shoulders and suggest that the other give up the ball?
Who cares about football? Here, we play HOCKEY. It’s way more exciting than football, and it’s played on ice.
8. Since guns are outlawed in Canada, how do you hunt? Slingshots?
Canadians are experts with the bow and arrow. And dude. We have guns in Canada, too. We just have smart laws about who can use them. 😉
9. What part of the turkey do you like the best?
10. What’s really inside a cornucopia?
Those have always freaked me out a little. And they’re totally tacky. But you know I’m Greek, right? And Greeks invented almost everything? The real story behind the cornucopia has to do with Amalthea, the goat. So this goat raised Zeus on her breast milk (there was no Nestle Good Start back then) in a cave in Crete. But! Her horn was accidentally broken off by Zeus while they were, um… playing. Nice and mighty Zeus gave back her horn with supernatural powers which gave whoever possessed it whatever they wished for. The horn was filled with fruits and flowers. The cornucopia is also a symbol for women’s fertility.
Feel free to check for spelling errors, but please don’t remove our extra letters!
Thanks to Loukia for enlightening the rest of us about Canadian Thanksgiving!