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Vince Carter and I are 34 today.

Today I turn 34.

Me and Vince Carter.

It kind of annoys me that this guy, who nobody knows, not only shares the same birthday but the same age with me, because what if people get us confused? I really don’t want the millions of birthday wishes that I deserve to be sent to the wrong person. So, in the selfish interest of making sure that I get all of the birthday wishes coming my way, here’s a little primer on the differences between me and Vince Carter.

The Difference Between Vince Carter, 34, and Adam Avitable, 34:

Vince Carter

Adam Avitable
Was born in Daytona Beach. Grew up in Daytona Beach.
Played varsity sports in high school (Basketball) Played varsity sports in high school (Swimming)
Married a doctor, is now divorced. Married a lawyer, is now divorced.
Owns a restaurant. Eats in a lot of restaurants.
Can reach the really, really high shelves in the kitchen. Can reach the high shelves in the kitchen.
Likes rap music. Likes Eminem.
Won a gold medal in the Olympics. Could totally win a gold medal in the Special Olympics.
Grows a decent beard. Grows an awesome beard.
Has never won an Oscar. Has never won an Oscar.
Has a vertical leap of 43 inches. Has a horizontal circumference of ~48 inches.
Can palm a basketball. Palms his balls constantly.
Blogs regularly, and tweets frequently. Blogs daily and tweets constantly.
Has a really good tan. Needs to get back out by the pool some more.

Well, fuck. Now I’m not sure that even I could tell us apart!

Happy birthday to Vince and Jenny Grace‘s Gabriel and Alan Labovitz and all the other people who share my birthday!

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72 Replies to “Vince Carter and I are 34 today.”

  1. B.E. Earl

    Happy Birthday, Duder!

    Vince Carter may have serious ups, but he’s got nuthin’ on you! Except that dunk he had over Frederic Weis at the 2000 Olympics. That might have been the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. You should totally Google that shit.

  2. Loukia

    I hope you have the very best year.
    As a 34 year old. Officially as old as me!
    Since it is your birthday, I will not say I’d kick your ass in a swimming race.
    You can win, for today.

  3. Employee No. 3699

    You also share the 26th of January with India’s Republic Day, so in the words of Gandhi…

    “A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes.”

    “In a gentle way, you can shake the world.” **

    “To believe in something and not live it, is dishonest.”

    “Whatever you do may seem insignificant to you, but it is most important that you do it.”

    Happy Birthday, Adam. This year, and all the ones that follow, continue to stay true to who you are. It is the reason we all love you so much.

    Hugs and kisses,

    ** I think I just felt an earth quake…that or my stomach’s growling because its dinner time here.

  4. Neeroc

    The resemblance is uncanny, hope I’m commenting on the right blog – Happy Birthday Adam, have yourself a kickass day. No, have yourself a kickass birthday week. It’s really the only way to do it.

  5. Jurgen Nation

    Happy birthday, Av, you Old Dirty Bastard!

    Just kidding. But seriously, I hope your day is filled with fantastification, saturated fats and moist cake and all the (legal) porn you can handle (no pun intended) in 24 hours.

    Love you!!

  6. Grant

    Happy 34th. Welcome to you mid-30’s. You don’t look a day over fat.

    Kate Blanchett was born the day before me. When I compare her lifetime achievements against mine, I have to assume it was a really productive day.

  7. Jen

    Happy Birthday! I am making you a birthday present. I have been working on it for two weeks. So far I have managed to totally botch three attempts at the stupid thing. At this rate you can expect to get it next year. Although I don’t know were you live so maybe I’ll just send it to Vince Carter’s house.

  8. Stacey

    The man, the myth, the legend. Happy Happy Birthday! How will you celebrate ? Lots of cake ? Lots of sex? Lots of cake and sex ? Enjoy, my friend!

    Also I feel like there should have been a white men can’t jump joke in there somewhere with the whole Adam, Vince Carter comparison. But aanyhoo, I wish you the bestest birthday ever!

  9. shiny

    Also celebrating a 34th birthday today is star actress “XXXena.” I’m sure you may have heard of some of her better work, such as “Sinister Sisters,” “Big Fat F.N. Tits 6,” “MILF Fever,” and her latest release, “Mature Women with Younger Girls Orgy 2.”

    (The last one may have coincided with your latest release as well.)

    Happy birthday!

  10. jamel

    happy birthday!!! im new to your blog, been checking it out for a month or so. i like what i see, and i like your view on things. ithink your really funny and i wish you much more success on your weight loss journey.

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