I’m totally copying this title and idea from Jenny Grace.
THERE IS SOMEONE FOR EVERYONE BUT HERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT AREN’T FOR ME:
Bad breath: If my first encounter with someone results in me inhaling your nasty-ass breath, I will never breathe in and speak to you again, forever. That’s not an exaggeration. I will forever hold my breath when you speak to me.
Excessive makeup: Blemishes happen. Pale is cute. Freckles are fucking awesome. But having your face be a different color from your neck because you don’t know how to apply makeup? Not for me.
Dirtiness and odor: If you can’t be bothered to shower and stay clean, do your laundry, and clean under your fingernails, I won’t be interested. It can’t be a chore – you have to like to be clean and make the effort to do so of your own volition.
Is there anyone who WOULD want to date someone who met those three descriptions? I can’t imagine that there is. And the fact that these three things are the only things that I can think of that (as far as general categories go) makes me feel like a whore.
If a woman does any of the following things, I’m not interested:
- Chews like a cow
- Uses text-speak regularly
- Supports Sarah Palin
- Thinks Leno is the funniest late night host
- Refuses to read
- Will not shave or maintain her bushfro
- Drinks until she pukes every time
- Gets violent when she drinks
- Cannot take a joke
- Doesn’t know how to tease or understand sarcasm
- Has hairy armpits
- Prefers ignorance over education
- Speaks another language when she gets mad
- Likes to be peed on
- Thinks she’s not good enough
- Is intolerant or hateful
- Treats money like it grows on trees
- Relies on her breasts to get ahead
- Needs everything spelled out
- Poops with the door open
- Thinks farting on someone is funny
- Treats her friends poorly
- Doesn’t “get” the Internet
- Hates all kids
- Has no sense of whimsy or wonder
- Has no healthy skepticism, either
I guess I’m not such a whore, after all. I’m a pretentious ass instead!
Don’t forget! Tonight at 9 PM EST is the relaunch of Clearly, You’re Retarded! Go here to listen.