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Nine Things Women Don’t Want Men To Know

I got an email from eHarmony today with some “awesome” dating advice entitled “Nine Things Women Don’t Want Men To Know“.

Are you ready for this smackdown of truthiness? I’m copying and pasting this article verbatim to share the idiocy. My comments are in blue after each bullet:

1. We Make Simon Cowell Look Tame – We can be extremely critical of ourselves. No need to mention anything about our weight, our skin, or our bad hair day – because we are well aware of our so-called “flaws” already. In fact, most of us obsess about these things far too frequently. Just kill us with compliments, guys!

If I’m in a relationship with a woman, am I a yes man or am I someone who’s in an open, honest relationship with good communication?  I’m not saying that it’s ever a good idea to tell someone that they look fat in an outfit, but it’s also a terrible idea to be an enabler.  In a good relationship. each person will share genuine compliments and actual appreciation and adoration, so “killing someone with compliments” will not be necessary.

2. We Tell Our BFFs Pretty Much Everything – We might say that we don’t tell our girlfriends nearly every single detail about our lives and relationships, but we sort of do.

So do I.  But, also?  It’s important to tell each other everything.  Your best friend should be your partner first, and then the third party second.

3. We Actually Adore the Sappy Stuff – We may act like we don’t care about getting the occasional bouquet, Valentine’s card or birthday gift – but we really dig it! We don’t know many women who would have a problem receiving a huge arrangement of tulips or thoughtful note from their beloved.

Part of a good relationship means trusting that the other person is honest with you.  If someone says that they don’t like flowers or cards, I’m not going to assume that she’s playing some stupid game.  In some situations, though, I think that there may be women who don’t like romantic gestures when they’re empty gestures.  There’s nothing exciting about getting flowers if it’s done as an obligation.  I doubt, however, that there is any person out there who doesn’t appreciate a true expression of adoration or love from his or her partner.

4. Our Weight or Dress Size – Don’t ask how much we weigh, or try to guess. And please don’t try to figure out our size and buy us clothing. Thank you.

If you’re not comfortable telling me your weight or dress size, are you going to be comfortable getting naked with me?  Is this the 1960s?

5. The Number of Boyfriends We’ve Had – If we have had a lot, men might get the wrong impression. If we have only had a few, they might get the wrong impression. Less history equals more mystery is our favorite motto.

Maybe not on the first date, but eventually in the course of a relationship, it’s probably a good idea to have some type of accounting for our pasts.  And I get the sense from the article that it’s a double standard.  Women shouldn’t have to share who they’ve been with but want men to be up front about their past whoredom.

6. What We Look Like in the AM – Most of us don’t roll out of bed looking our best, although we may want you to think we can be ready in five minutes flat! It takes time to pull ourselves together, even though we like to make it seem effortless.

Once again, this isn’t the fucking 1960s.  Men today are aware that women don’t wake up with makeup on and with their hair did.  You know what – everybody has blemishes and bad breath and random hairs.  It’s part of the beauty of who we are.  I prefer women who don’t need to layer on makeup, and I think that someone is just as beautiful when they first wake up as they are when they’re getting ready to go out for the night.

7. How Much We Might Spend on Our Beauty Regimens – There’s a reason men are shocked when they find out how much a woman’s haircut or new pair of jeans may cost — because we don’t really want you to know!

I know that I may be unusual because I buy Aveda products, go to a barber that’s not Supercuts, and use lotions and Sephora, along with pomade and other products, but who the fuck cares?  Why would any woman give a shit if her boyfriend or husband knows how much she spent on getting her hair done?

8. Most of Us Have Secretly Dreamt of Our Wedding Day – A lot of women will say they don’t care about the big wedding or getting married. There are exceptions to the rule – but most women have thought about it and even envisioned their big day.

Why would you ever want to share with the person that you’re going to marry that you actually care about your wedding day?  I mean, by pretending like you don’t care, you can give him the impression that it doesn’t matter, and then you can get mad when he’s not as enthusiastic as you are.  OR, you could be honest, and he could be honest, and you could celebrate it together?  Just a thought.

9. Some of Us are a Little More than Curious – Due to unfortunate past experiences or insecurities, there are some women out there who have been known to snoop through their significant other’s things. We’re not condoning this behavior, but this is definitely something women don’t want men to know. Shhhh!

I believe in honesty and open communication, and if someone needs to keep secrets, that is a problem, HOWFUCKINGEVER, it is never okay to snoop.  Never.  If you want to know something, ask.  If you’re in a healthy relationship, it won’t be a problem.

Whoever wrote this article has either not dated since sometime in the late 1960s, has been married in a terrible marriage, was hired to write the article from his outsourcing office in India, or is just plain fucking stupid and ignorant.

In other Avita-news, I did a Pro-Am Comedy show at the Orlando Improv on Wednesday night and felt like it went pretty well. There was a talent agent in the room, too, and he gave each comic some solid constructive criticism, which was tremendous. The set is similar to what I’ve done before, with some small tweaks, but if you want to watch, here you go:

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69 Replies to “Nine Things Women Don’t Want Men To Know”

    • Johnathan

      Wow… women really suck and I’m sure you think us me do to… right! Why can’t men and women just get together for the occasional good-time romp. Its when we really get to know one another that things get gross and disappointing! :o)

  1. jonniker

    Wow, I’m a woman, and … wow. I don’t really jibe with any of that. I didn’t want a big wedding, my HUSBAND did. I would never, ever tell my best friend anything my husband didn’t know — at least anything of importance — and I would never betray his confidence to her.

    I just … holy wow.

  2. annieology

    If she represents the mind of a woman then I am a man trapped in a woman’s body. Although, since we’re being honest, I do go through your things when I sneak into your house when you are getting your hair did.

  3. Janna

    Wow, I actually agree with you on just about everything here. 😮

    On #8, I think the reason some women have to hide their wedding dreams is because wedding-talk tends to scare men off. Some men hear a woman talk about marriage, and they react like a claustrophobic child caught in a shrinking box.


    With everything else, I agree. Especially the parts about snooping, double standards, and the importance of being best friends.

  4. Wendy

    I’m not like that. And like you said about the flowers/card thing, if it’s only because the guy felt obligated, then no. I don’t want it.

    What’s bad is I’m not like that, but it seems like every guy I’ve ever dated really believes this is how all women are. It’s bullshit that I TELL a guy, don’t get me flowers. I don’t want flowers. I’d like it if you bought me anything but flowers, and the guy gets me flowers because I’m a girl and really didn’t mean all that. Ugh!

  5. Karin

    As a possessor of a vagina, I don’t agree with any of the crap they posted. Your version, however, is spot on. With articles like this out there, it’s no wonder women have so much trouble dating these days. Too many probably believe that crap. Bleh.

  6. J

    Without open honest communication… you have nothing. Well said Adam.

    I do recall reading that bad breath is an absolute deal breaker for you! I guess we do All have it when we roll out of bed. 🙂

  7. Michy

    I’ma go with plain fucking stupid and ignorant. I’ve come a long way, and I am secure enough now that if The Mate gives me some constructive criticism on my looks, body, whatnot. He knows my weight, or would if he remembered it, and he buys me clothes at times too. If he isn’t sure what size, he asks. I really do NOT like the sappy stuff, and don’t want flowers and jewelry. When I ask for something like a Dremel or a circular saw, that’s what I want. Neither of us feels the need to snoop, because if there’s something we want to see, we just ask! ARGH!!

    Thankfully, we don’t follow articles like that and think they are pertinent to our lives.

  8. Tina

    Gosh, my whole relationship is based upon those things. /sarcasm
    22 years later, guess we are doing something right.

    but I won’t worry my pretty lil’ head about it..I’ll just go into the kitchen and make us all some tea…

  9. calliope

    I really hate these dating sites/articles/how women/men “really” think/feel because it’s all so much outdated, stereotypical bullshit. UGH!
    Really, of all the successful relationships I know, including mine, none of this bull shit applies at all.
    Except the clothes buying thing, but that’s more because my husband and I have very different taste in clothing, not because I care if he knows my size.

  10. hemidancer

    It’s good to see that many of the women who have chimed in already have already expressed my sentiments pretty effectively – articles like that give us women a bad wrap. If I was anywhere near that vapid and shallow, I’d ask to be killed with a bullet, not compliments. 🙂

  11. Blondefabulous

    Heh… My husband actually held it against me that I hadn’t had more boyfriends than I did! He thought I wouldn’t be experienced enough in what relationships are and how they could go….. Oh well…. I guess it was enough since we’re rolling on to 11 years!

  12. maria

    The sad thing is that men believe all that bullshit in that article. I am single (widow) again and the men in their 40’s that i have come across are a bunch of shallow dicks, most are jaded from being in bad relationships and judge all women as “being the same”. Its disgusting !

    The only thing i would add is: when you compliment a woman please be real about it.

    Adam I totally agree with your point of view 🙂

    • Michael A

      Define “real”, because many women are incredibly selective about that word; where its coming from and who’s giving it. I know this because I make what feels to me a genuine compliment about something specific to her and they give you a perplexed/angry look similar to that if you just said to her, “I want you to lick my dog’s butt and then kiss me”. I could say to her, I really like the color of your hair, it reminds me of– ‘insert pleasant noun’–. Or “I like the way you put together your outfit, it looks great on you” andthey still give you this look like you’re insulting them. Go f’ing figure.

  13. Jess

    Such petty, totally off base crap. I agree with you 100%, Adam. It’s taken me a lot of growing to get to where I am now in my relationship. And I find that thses are all false. I feel it’s an excuse for insecure, not actually relationship commited women to keep up bad behavior and games, thus furthering drama and fights and more insecurity, trust issues, and jealousy.

  14. Poppy

    I find the past relationships conversation more damaging than helpful, personally.

    I don’t want to be on top of my man, riding him like the beast I am, and think that anyone else has been up on top of him like that.

  15. mysterious_malady

    Outsource to India ! Classic.

    The dating advice you would receive here might actually a lot better, which would be ‘Don’t date !’ — come to think of it, that’s better advice than the tosh you received.

  16. Wynn

    That is in fact a fucking stupid article. I don’t even know what to say. Why all the secrets, ladies? Find yourselves a man who can accept that you fart, have the occasional upset stomach, who doesn’t care if he sees you plucking your eyebrows and that look on in horror as you wax your legs. Or just stop waxing them all together.

    All those things are dependant on the woman and man not living together, and where’s the fun in that? Man, I’m sick of the whole “women should be fairies that never sweat or have body hair and are perfect to look at”. And I do believe that women care a lot more than men do.

  17. Robin

    I agree with you on all of those I think. Particularly your partner being your best friend so you should feel comfortable being who you are with them and being honest with them. Some think Manly Man and I are too honest with each other but it’s always worked for us. I have no doubts about him and I figure that’s pretty solid.

  18. Happilymarriedgirl

    Honey, some things you wrote make sense, while others don’t. First of all us women don’t want you to know our exact weight and dress size because we like having the illusion that you’ll think us slimmer and lighter than we actually are. That is, the 99 % of us women who aren’t extremely delighted with our body shape. Which doesn’t mean we won’t get naked with our partners – obviously we don’t expect our guy to think we’re a size 8 when in fact we’re a size 20 but we’re certainly hoping for him to believe us one dress size smaller- perhaps even two. It just makes us happy, alright? You’ll have to be a woman to understand that. About the marriage thing – obviously a woman isn’t going to keep silent forever. I’d say as a rule a woman should wait about six months before dropping the first hint. After all, she doesn’t want the man to think she’s out to trap him into something he isn’t ready for. But if after two or three years together the guy still hasn’t asked us, we WILL be more open about it, okay? You don’t need to worry about that. But we really don’t want to raise the subject ourselves and then, like you suggest, in such a matter-of-fact “honest” way. That’s just UNROMANTIC. We want our partner to surprise us, and we want everything about it as super-romantic as possible. But again, you probably have to be a woman to truly understand that 🙂

  19. so very much true

    the problem today is that there are so many brainless and worthless women out there now, with their very bad attitude problem that i have noticed. why are you women so uneducated today? you need to read a book on how to talk too men better, and drop the attitude problem. just maybe, the good straight men like us can connect with the good straight women that are not gay, and may be decent enough too meet.

      • so very much true

        @Not retarded Femme, first of all, you women are into playing games today, and i am not into that now. i am in my late fifties and i had been married once before, but she cheated on me. i did not do anything WRONG on my part, and i did LOVE HER very much at the time. second of all, where i live women have THEIR SHIT DON’T STINK OF AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM, AND THEY ARE SO VERY NASTY TO TALK TOO. i feel very bad for you women that seem to take YOUR PROBLEMS OUT ON US INNOCENT MEN, that are seriously looking to meet a GOOD WOMAN TODAY, if there are any DECENT ONES LEFT.

  20. John

    I just wanted to say something about the comment, “Your best friend should be your partner first, and then the third party second.”

    I agree with you, partners SHOULD be best friends. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work.

    When women feel a man is their best friend, they lose the desire to become physically intimate with him. It’s female psychology. Look up the section on sexual attraction in your old psychology textbook.

    If I may add a little personal anecdote, when I’ve talked with a few very honest women about this, they told me that they actually feel an aversion to physical intimacy with a man they feel very friendly with. One even described it as “trying to kiss my brother,” and she noted this is the case even when the male is very attractive.

    The only way to have a full relationship with a woman, where she is truly into you emotionally, spiritually, AND physically, is to stop being so nice to her, and start acting dominant around her. It is possible. You can respect her and treat her right without being a “nice guy”.

    Personally, I choose not to do this. Niceness was burned into me and I can’t shed it, nor do I want to. So I’ve lived with minimal physical intimacy in my relationships. It’s okay with me because sex just isn’t the most important thing to me. I have rational values that I try to live by, and they keep me motivated and satisfied in life. Of course I wish that women weren’t so backwards when it comes to physical attraction, but it’s just the way it is.

    Here comes a barrage of female comments denying everything I just said about women’s preferences, and claiming that only certain kinds of women are like this. So I’ll just refer you again to your psychology textbook.


  21. Straight Man Says

    most of the women out there today are really messed up, and i certainly do agree with the other comments about women. i seem to meet the ones that do play hard to get myself, and they are certainly very nasty to talk too. why are you women so messed up today? where you abused by the men that you were with at one time? did your parents mistreat you? i have also noticed that much more women are into other women now, and that is certainly one good reason. and the ones that are straight want guys with money, and since there are many of us straight good men out there, we seem to lose either way.

  22. jason

    I don’t invest in something and just ignore it. And sad to say it but a women is an investment in time and money. Same thing applies to a man to a women. And we all have seen Maury….cheating is the norm these days not faithfulness. It is sad, but like the article says this is not the 1960’s and cheating is a very real and happening thing. There are even multi million if not billion dollar companies that promote flings and cheating.Everyone should be a little concerned. Of course there are the few that have a very trusting and secure relationship but the reality of things are everyone is at risk of being cheated on and a little spot check snooping is a good idea. My wife has gone through my stuff, I through hers. I know her passwords to all her accounts and she knows my passwords. We have an expectation that the other will read or see what we do and it keeps both of us on point. I spend thousands of dollars for food housing and whatever my wife needs each year. Like any investments I make I look into them periodically to make sure they are doing what I expect. You would have to be stupid to do otherwise.

  23. The Known Truth.

    Well i know one thing about so many women out there today is that many of them are Gay And Bi nowadays which makes it Much More Difficult for us Straight Guys looking to meet a real good one now.

  24. User

    Idiocy. “… was hired to write the article from his outsourcing office in India, or is just plain fucking stupid and ignorant.”
    If that is your perception of the world- equating Indians who have no other option but to hold down these jobs to run their families, by working ungodly hours in front of computers, and causing ruin to their bodies, with people who are STUPID and IGNORANT- then I must say you do sound like someone from the 1960s to me.

  25. Don

    Women tell me why my neighbor who is one of the nicest guys and graduated from U.C.L.A. Has a great job making 6 figures owns a nice home and drives a BMW6 takes his girlfriend on a nice trip in return she runs off for the holidays with supposedly her girlfriend and he never hears from her again!!!??? Real class!

  26. Josh

    Dear Women, happiness is not something that you earn or can even possess. I know you are all seeking it like rabid wolves, but your quest for happiness is much like Ahab’s quest for the “white whale”. It will only lead to your destruction. Just chill. Yeah dress up sometimes, yeah keep healthy, but mostly keep your mind healthy, and don’t mistake boredom as some terrible thing. Boredom/contentment usually means that everything is fine and you now have an opportunity to learn, or do something with your life. I see too many of you seeing it as a death sentence, and thus freak the F_ out. Creating drama, and problems and even destroying your lives and the lives of those around you because of “boredom”. Try being thankful your not having to out run a tiger instead. Work on you. Believe me you all need to start, because from what I’ve seen over the last 33 years, I have not found one of you worthy enough to be called a true friend, let alone companion.

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