Have you missed me? I’ve been around, just not here.
Over at the new satire site, Insert Eyeroll, I dispense advice with my monthly column. You can submit questions and know that you’re getting sage advice that will in no way cause your own death and/or humiliation. Go check out my debut post.
As I have been for the last several months, I write about pop culture at MamaPop, and by pop culture, I mean geeky movies and tits.
As for where I’m going, Wednesday morning at the ungodly hour of 6:30 AM, I take off for San Diego to attend BlogHer for six days. I’ve already told you how to avoid being a loser and gave you my cell number so you can drunk text me.
Have you gotten the BlogHer 2011 app yet? While not 100% perfect, it’s the best thing to come from BlogHer, ever. It’s about as easy to use as their website is terrible to navigate. If you’re going to be at the conference this year, I’d suggest getting that app for your phone now.
For those of you who are voyeurs and stalkers, or if you’re actually going to be in San Diego, here is my anticipated schedule:
Wednesday, August 3rd
6:30 AM (EST)
Take off for San Diego
6:31 AM (EST)
11:00 AM (PDT)
Land in San Diego. Stumble to taxi.
12:00 PM – 5:00 PM
Go find a doctor and get a prescription for my “anxiety” that can only be solved by some type of medicinal herb.
5:00 PM – ??
Eat, drink, be merry.
Thursday, August 4th
8ish AM – Noon
Wake up, masturbate, work, shower, masturbate, dance, dry hump something.
Noon – 6:00 PM
Eat, mingle, hug, grope, take photos, talk, dance, dry hump something.
6:00 PM – 8:00 PM
Evening at the Expo. Look at exhibitions, try not to dry hump anything.
8:00 PM – 10:00 PM
People’s Party. I’m a people so this is totally my party.
10:00 PM – 12:00 AM
Queerosphere. Be clear that I’m here but not queer.
12:00 AM – 5:00 AM
Road trip to Tijuana for a donkey show?
Friday, August 5th
8ish AM – 11:45 AM
Wake up, dry hump something, work, shower, masturbate, sing loudly to embarrassing music.
Lunch. Talk to people. Give them naked business cards and watch them weep in horror.
1:00 PM – 4:45 PM
Go see “Rise of the Planet of the Apes”. Or maybe socialize.
4:45 PM – 6:00 PM
Voices of the Year Community Keynote. Applaud loudly for everyone who got chosen to read their posts while quietly judging their posts for not being nearly as good as mine.
6:00 PM – 8:00 PM
Voices of the Year Reception. Enthusiastically congratulate everyone who got chosen to read their posts while quietly judging their posts for not being nearly as good as mine.
8:00 PM – 9:00 PM
Listen to Your Mother Open Mic. No idea what the fuck this is. Try to do comedy here if they’ll let me.
Saturday, August 6th
8ish AM – 9:00 PM
Relax, swim, go to beach, bum fights, bury bums, dry hump everything in sight.
9:00 PM – 10:00 PM
Aiming Low Party. Plan on dressing up, but then realize it’s Aiming Low, so fuck it. Wear a thong and pink cowboy hat.
10:00 PM – 1:00 AM
CheeseburgHer Party. Eat, drink, and be hairy.
Sunday, August 7th
8ish AM – 3:00 PM
Laugh at all of you fuckers who have to get up early and check out of your hotel to fly home to your hectic lives.
3:00 PM – Midnight
Get bored out of my skull wondering why I didn’t fly out on Sunday.
Monday, August 8th
Fly home. Use ointment on sore arms. Cry myself to sleep. While dry humping.