Categorically Uncategorized

How to bring the fun back to September 11th

Today is the 10-year anniversary of the date that Osama bin Laden, operating independently from the directives and guidelines of his purported religion, attacked the United States by hijacking planes and flying them into the Twin Towers in New York and the Pentagon in Virginia.  I’m explaining it this specifically because for any children who were born in 2000 or later, 9/11 is just a day to them when politicians seem to be more full of shit and when good old ignorant red-blooded Americans seem even more anti-Muslim than the other 364 days of the year.

A decade has passed, and I think that it’s time for us to do what Americans do best: condense our pain into meaningless symbolic gestures!  What better way to make ourselves feel like we’re actually doing something worthwhile than to wear a pin or hold a sign or have a moment of silence?

Here are my suggestions for improving upon 9/11 for future anniversaries:

  • Parades!  Parades bring the family together as they sit on a cold sidewalk for hours or gather in front of the television to watch brightly colored balloons representing corporate brands, Rudy Giuliani, and cartoons go down a street in tune to poorly played music by a local high school band.
  • Extravagant sales!  Can’t you just picture it?  “Our prices are crashing down! We’re hijacking our dealer and demanding lower prices just for you!”  It could be the new Black Friday, except we’d have to call it Nine Elevenganza or something like that.
  • No school or work!  I mean, what the hell, America?  There’s a day off for Veterans and for dead soldiers and dead Presidents and dead black leaders, but what about dead everyday regular Americans?  They deserve a day where our mail doesn’t get delivered and our bank doesn’t deposit checks.
  • Greeting cards!  Hallmark came out with an entire division devoted exclusively to African American relationships, so why not a 9/11 division?  You could have humorous cards depicting the actions of that wacky Osama, and then serious cards with flowers on them that offer condolences or some other type of treacle that is mass produced by people in China.
  • A song!  One idiot princess crashes into a tunnel and Elton John crafts an ode to her.  Where’s the song that makes us remember 9/11?  It shouldn’t be too hard – you can rhyme “eleven” with “heaven” and “seven” and “leavened”, kind of.  I think that Green Day, Lady Gaga, and the White Stripes should get to work and make us proud.  10% of all profit from sales could go to charity, too.  90% of all profit from sales could go into the artists’ and studios’ wallets.
Get on it, America.  I’m waiting with bated breath.
Share the love:
Follow by Email

46 Replies to “How to bring the fun back to September 11th”

  1. Maura

    While I won’t be doing any of THOSE things, neither will I be taking any of the “suggestions” that people are so helpfully providing on Facebook. Like “everyone should be silent from 8:46am EST til 10:28am EST.” I despise Facebook mob mentality and this is no different.

    The nice thing about being in America, or any free country, is that I still do get to remember (or not remember) in whatever manner I wish, not what some numbskull on Facebook comes up with to “REPOST!!”

  2. Blondefabulous

    Well, you saw what I had to say yesterday….. Today I’ll be playing roller derby in an effort to forget. Forgetting/Remembering apparently involves inflicting pain while wearing superman underwear and argyle knee socks.

    This actually makes me love your humor more!

  3. Liz

    One day, we will have parades and sales. That’s just how we roll, because it isn’t enough that we have to keep flailing around about how our “poor, poor country” was attacked, completely ignoring the 3,000 people who died. I hate to say it, but this country is material beyond recognition.

    I’m going to do Project 2,996 again this year, because instead of watching documentaries, we all need to remember those we lost.

  4. Leslie

    I remembered September 11 in my own way today. I was surprised, frankly, at how emotional I became. I live nowhere near NYC – my personal memory is that I felt completely helpless and wondered what right I had to bring my son into a world where this could happen. My son is 13 now, and watching the boys around his age reading their fathers’ names this morning was too much for me.

    I guess my point is that I really, really hope you’re wrong. I hope there are never 9/11 extravaganzas or any of your other ideas up there.

  5. Sheila

    Not to rain on your tribute parade but uh, Candle in the Wind was actually written as a tribute to Marilyn Monroe 🙂

    I’m glad you wrote this – I’m starting to remember why I don’t like you that much.

  6. Jamie

    Your ignorant. By the way,my son was 2 and you better believe he knows what 9/11 is and what it means. Your not funny at alll. This post is disrespectful and arrogant. my guess is your a left winged liberal who is clueless about any real facts or knows anything about history. Oh and I’LL NEVER FORGET!!!! asshole

  7. Heather Head

    I found you through your comment on the Bloggess (Portlandia thingy). This is freakin hilarious. I was attracted to the title because I wrote Why I Love the Terrorists recently and, well, this seemed like it might be in the same spirit.

    It’s not.

    But that’s okay. I think I love you anyway. Hairy balls and all. (Of course, I also love the terrorists. For what it’s worth.)

  8. lafemmeroar

    I went shopping on 9/11 and the grocery store was having a mega sale on produce to commemorate 9/11. I bought 12 avocados and a bunch of other healthy things to eat. As I paid for my purchases I wasn’t sure how I felt about a 9/11 sale considering the tragedies that occurred on that day.

    Then I thought … laughter is part of healing … it doesn’t mean we’re belittling the lives lost that day. Where would we be if we didn’t have laughter? And by laughter I don’t mean cruel or disrespectful. I mean the kind of laughter that helps us go on with our lives. My motto is that laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it. I believe the souls lost that day are looking down on us and I’m sure they’re wishing their loved ones and “us” all well. And they’d want us to have joy and laughter …

  9. Allyson

    What would you have us do, Adam? Do you think we should just sweep it all under a rug? Pretend that it never happened until 50 years from now people will debate whether it was real or not? I know you think that 3,000 American citizens is just a drop in the bucket when compared to the total population of the country – even more so, the world. But it’s not so much for the ones who passed that we remember. It is for those still living, whose lives were changed forever when they were surprised by the loss of their loved ones. It is for the heroes who went to ground zero to search and rescue as many people as they could – and live everyday with the image of carnage seared into their memories. It is for the community – the Muslims and Christians, and atheists and all the others who lived in fear not just for a day, not just for a week or a month, but perhaps even still.

    What would you have us do? While nothing is really accomplished with parades and songs, it provides the opening for children and tourists to ask, “Why is this day special?” It let’s the survivors know that we have not forgotten about them. It reminds all of us that the peace we have, the rights we enjoy, the freedom we love – all of it is something we need to protect from the ones who cannot understand. (And we all know that not understanding something makes humans fear and hate it.)

    So I ask you again, how would you choose to help Americans come together to think on and discuss all of that pain, and the need to heal?

    • Avitable

      @Allyson, yes, because ask the normal Joe who Martin Luther King, Jr., is and see if they have any real idea. We should move on, not let our country slow to a standstill simply because we experienced a tragedy. All that does is make us weaker.

        • Avitable

          @Allyson, so Pearl Harbor wasn’t a tragedy? We experienced an attack and responded in kind, lost a shitload of civil rights as well, and now we have a fumbling TSA that doesn’t do anything, a war that has nothing to do with anything, and financial downfall. Yeah, let’s celebrate that with remembrance.

          • Allyson

            @Avitable, Pearl Harbor was also an attack. War is tragic, but I believe connotation is important in the difference I was pointing out. I do not believe that remembering the 9/11/2001 attack on America is the same as celebrating the failures present in our government both before and since that date, or even as a result of it. I speak out regularly against the very things you mentioned. That does not mean that we allow thousands of living American citizens to feel forgotten.

  10. Heidi Leanne

    So sad, so funny, and unfortunately too true. However, I don’t think a song would be such a bad idea. Or a day off of work and school and banks and mail. I fully support that. Where can I sign the petition? I guess I could appreciate a good hallmark card to send to my friend who lost a loved one on 9/11. But Nine Elevengaza? Uh, oh heck no. That makes me want to tear my eyeballs out of their sockets and spew my beet salad on your shoes.

Leave a Reply