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Announcing the top Christmas gift of 2012: The 12-month Avitable Wall Calendar

12 month Avitable Wall Calendar

It’s the product that nobody has been asking for. It’s the gift that keeps on giving until you curl up into a ball and cry for hours. It’s the feel-bad present that you give as a Secret Santa to that guy you secretly hate. And it can be yours for only $11.99, with some of the proceeds going to charity!

I know that you are just brimming the fuck over with questions, so here are some answers:

Q: What’s in the calendar?

A: Each month has a different photo of yours truly, taken from blog posts over the last several years, along with captions written almost exclusively for this calendar.

Q: Is it safe for work?

A: There’s partial nudity and there’s profanity. So it’s definitely safe for all work environments, including but not limited to kindergarten classrooms, church, and FOX News Headquarters.

Q: Where will you ship and how much does shipping cost?

A: Shipping is free, and I will ship anywhere in the world, except Libya. I’m boycotting Libya after Gaddafi’s death.

Q: What charity are you donating to?

A: I will be donating $2.00 from every calendar sold to a local Central Florida dog rescue organization that places older dogs in homes called Poodle and Pooch Rescue.

Q: Will they be personalized?

A: I’ll be writing a personal note in every calendar, so that when I’m famous in the year 2043 at the age of 66, you can sell it for 140 yuan, which will be our global currency at the time.

Q: When will you ship them?

A: Orders placed by November 15th will ship by December 1st. Orders from November 15th-November 30th will ship on December 15th. Orders placed after that will be shipped as quickly as possible, but maybe not in time for Christmas.

Q: Can I see what it will look like?

A: Just because I like you, here are the pages for August and February, but the rest is top secret!

12 Month Avitable Wall Calendar

February of the 12-month Avitable Wall Calendar

Q: How many testicles appear in the calendar?

A: Surprisingly, zero.

Q: Does this mean that you’re not going to do Christmas cards this year?

A: I’m still planning on doing Christmas cards, if I can come up with an idea that I’m happy with.

Q: Will you marry me?

A: Will you pay my dowry of $100,000 first? Then, yes.

Q: How can I buy the calendar?

A: Through this handy, dandy Paypal button!

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18 Replies to “Announcing the top Christmas gift of 2012: The 12-month Avitable Wall Calendar”

  1. Sarah

    I don’t have $100K. Can I offer you 20 hair clips, four pizza slice magnets a burnt out candle and an empty bottle of Zicam?

    I may be getting one of these to give to my mother. I get her a calendar every year and this might just freak her out enough that she requests no more Christmas gifts. 🙂

  2. Becky

    I don’t have the $100K, hell I don’t even have a job. I do have two daughters, which I realize isn’t exactly a selling point, until you realize they can possibly get jobs. Oh, and I don’t live in FL, so yeah, I guess I shouldn’t be planning the 2nd most famous 72 day marriage of the year… wait are there 72 days left this year?

    Anyway, I’ll be ordering a calendar. When will you be marketing the Avitable after sex towel?

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