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Thursday morning, I’ll be driving down to Fort Lauderdale and boarding the Royal Caribbean Liberty of the Seas for a five-day cruise to Cozumel, Mexico. To say I’m apprehensive is an understatement.

The last cruise I went on was also the first cruise I’d ever been on. It was my honeymoon, and Amy and I had a cramped inside cabin for three nights as we rode the Carnival Shitbucket to the Bahamas. It was one of the most miserable experiences of my life.

The waves were strong enough that from our cabin, we could feel the motion and it was nauseating. After popping a few Bonine, we felt better, but mainly because it made us pass out and sleep for 18 hours. The pools were crowded and full with screaming children and obnoxious tourists, and both of us resented the idea that we could only eat dinner in the restaurant at a specific time. It felt like the planned activities of a rest home – the living graveyard for senior citizens.

This time, it should be a little different. Instead of an inside cabin, I have a 300+ square foot suite with a balcony overlooking the ocean. I drink alcohol now, so I can numb my resentment with Malibu rum, and my stress levels are so high that five days of relaxation will be perfect.

At first, my plan was to unplug completely, but I can’t do it. I’m not bringing a laptop, but I’m sure at some point I’ll break down and spend the $100 for an hour of slow-as-shit Internet in their computer cafe. I tried to get an international calling plan, but since we’ll be in an “international roaming” area, there’s no options at all, but I can still get and receive texts. It will cost me .50 per text, but it’s either that or go absolutely batshit insane from a cold turkey unplugging.

I’ll be bringing my Kindle, filled with books, a bathing suit (which I have to buy because I don’t actually own one), and a giant black butt plug just to freak out the cleaning staff (which I don’t have to buy because someone actually gave me one as a gift one time).

So if you need me, tough shit. I’ll be on a motherfuckin’ boat.

Royal Caribbean Liberty of the Seas

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11 Replies to “I’M ON A BOAT!”

  1. Elizabeth

    I think you should buy some of those sock suspenders and wear them with thin, silky knee high socks. Oh, and bring the biggest tub of lube you can find and put it next to the butt plug that you greased up so much it glistens. Put the cleaning crew tip dollars under the glistening butt plug. That’ll spice things up.

  2. hello haha narf

    i was not a huge fan of my first cruise either. there has yet to be a second, but i am certain eventually i’ll drag my ass back on a big ole boat. i’m thinking alaska, though.

    regardless, i wish you a tremendous trip. looking forward to your thoughts on it when you return. and photos of that suite. sounds spectacular. people say rooms don’t matter when traveling, but i completely disagree.

  3. Megan

    RC is much better than shitty Carnival. You will enjoy yourself. And I know you didn’t plan on visiting with me (fucker), but if you’re heading down on the Turnpike and then go to 595 to get to the port, wave to your left as you close in on I-95. My office is right there.

    Have a great time and just relax. Forget the computer, dude.

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