The 2011 Listgasm by Adam Heath Avitable

2011 Listgasm: The Top Ten Worst Christmas Gifts

I’m going to round out the year with lists, because it’s the one time of year that writers can avoid sentences and formatting and creativity in lieu of bullets. Although I did make this nifty graphic:

The 2011 Listgasm by Adam Heath Avitable

Here’s my list of the top ten worst Christmas gifts for 2011:

  1. Jerry Sandusky Body Pillow For Kids
  2. A donation to the Tea Party in your name
  3. The Casey Anthony Home Child Care Kit, complete with plastic bag and duct tape
  4. Turducken-induced salmonella
  5. Any Angry Birds merchandise that you can’t use to kill asshole pigs
  6. Tickets to go see Adam Sandler’s “Jack and Jill”
  7. A Playstation 3 with no games
  8. Underwear . . . from Goodwill
  9. Anything made by Ugg
  10. Herpes

This Christmas, I was feeling a bit grinchy, and even contemplated asking my mother to bring back any of the presents she bought for me. I think some people took that to mean that I was being ungrateful, but that wasn’t it. I did call my mother and ask her to refrain from buying any more presents from me, but I stopped short of requesting that she return the gifts she’d already purchased. She did, however, read my post and managed to bring up the fact that I wanted her to return everything no less than ten times, usually in good humor, though.

As it turned out, though, my mother had to return half of what she bought me anyways. You would think that after 34 years, she would know better than to try to buy me clothes, but I think that’s a lesson that no parent ever actually learns. Most of the clothes didn’t fit properly and the ones that did were not my style at all. It was a nice gesture, and I did appreciate the thought.

The best gift I got this year was one I bought for myself. My home away from home, Tijuana Flats, was selling gift cards, with $5.00 free for every $25 spent, so I bought myself $500 worth of gift cards and got an extra $100 in free gift cards. Thanks, me! Now I can eat at Tijuana Flats four times a week for the next four months without spending another penny!

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17 Replies to “2011 Listgasm: The Top Ten Worst Christmas Gifts”

  1. shakedownshorty

    Dude! I feel yah! I asked for a donation to my charity instead of a gift at work. I got a gift anyway. Then they fed me condiments for lunch. Really? On the up side we had a great time at home with Mikala so next year it’s Christmas at my house for you!

  2. B.E. Earl

    Two things…

    1) Would be ickier if it were a Jerry Sandusky Body Pillow for Kids.
    2) I’d take a Playstation 3 without any games. It doubles as a blu-ray player and it streams Netflix, Amazon, MLB.TV, etc…

  3. Lynda

    My coworker made a mass donation and have a card saying he gave it “on our behalf” (everyone who got a card). It wasn’t anyone I would donate to myself, and struck me as kind of odd. Wasn’t the tea party, though.

    Personally, I didn’t even celebrate this year.

  4. Ed

    My father once gave me a membership in the NRA. He claimed I didn’t really understand them. After reading their magazine for a year, it only reinforced everything I had thought of them before. It took me years of telling them and everyone else they sold my name to that I was made a member “as a prank” to finally stop getting spammed by every right-wing nutjob in the country.

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