Whitney Houston, dead at 48

My Interview With Whitney Houston

Whitney Houston, dead at 48

Whitney Houston, singer, actress, renowned crackhead, died Saturday night at age 48 from unknown causes.  As always, I sat down with the recently deceased for an interview.

Me:  Well . . . I can’t really say that this is unexpected.

WH:  But I was only 48, man. 48! 48!!! FORTY-EIGHT!

Me:  Yeah, but that’s like 140 in coke-head years.

WH:  Man, y’know who I am?  Whitney!

Me:  Yes, something you’ve reminded us over and over again with your *ahem* cleverly titled albums over the years.

WH:  ‘m whtny.

Me:  Your godmother, Aretha Franklin, is almost 70 years old, and she outlived you.  Do you think she has any R-E-S-P-E-C-T for you?

WH:  I dunno, man.

Me:  What about Bobby Brown? How the hell did he outlive you?

WH:  ‘m mtherfuggin whtny.

Me:  Was there anyone with whom you wanted to dance or feel the heat but now you can’t?

WH:  dg th bnty huntr.

Me:  Did you say “Dog the Bounty Hunter?”  That’s an interesting choice.  Let’s take the interview in another direction.

WH:  Yes, plz.  I’mmmm WHITNEY!

Me:  Indeed.  How does it feel for you to have gone from one of the best-recognized voices in the world and a best-selling musical artist, coming from gospel roots, to an example to boys and girls everywhere about what not to do with oodles of money and access to drugs?

WH:  Yrrr a mean, mean man.

Me:  I’m not mean.  I’m just not one of those people who think that just because you have one talent, you should be excused for otherwise being a waste of human flesh.  Being famous doesn’t give you leeway for being a shitty person.  In fact, it puts a larger onus on you to be a role model to everyone.

WH:  Whasss onus?

Me:  There is one plus to all of this, though.

WH:  Yah?

Me:  Yeah.  At least for the next week or so, more people will be talking about you than the unfunny terrible Whitney Cummings.

WH:  mthfggn whtny

Me:  Indeed.


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32 Replies to “My Interview With Whitney Houston”

  1. Amy - Hamlet's Mistress

    This interview is whack! Like crack! Which Whitney didn’t smoke because crack is cheap and she makes to much money to smoke crack. I’ll miss her. So many great sound bites. We were about due for another train wreck to pass on. Wonder who’s next.

    Loved it. As always. Though I’m finding it disconcerting that you are my first thought when a famous person dies.

  2. Shane

    Being a child of the 80s, reflecting on the death of what she was marketed to symbolize (innocence, carefree fun, an overabundance of pastels in music videos) made me take pause more than her actual death. Sadly, her death isn’t very surprising at this point.

  3. Twenty Four At Heart

    The death of ANY celebrity isn’t surprising.
    Maybe it’s because I’m a 5th generation Southern Californian – but the surprising thing to me is that anyone gives a shit when celebrities divorce/die/etc.

    Who CARES?

    (Except that we get to then read one of your interviews!) : )

  4. Nona

    “Being famous doesn’t give you leeway for being a shitty person.” Truer words never typed in a posthumous interview.

    Not going to lie. Maybe since Houston and I are (were) the same age and her music is part of the soundtrack of my misspent youth, I was a sad when I heard she died. She blew a great career on blow and wasted her talent. Worse, she left a daughter with only one shitty role model for a parent.

    Sad, really.

  5. Mark

    You are so lucky! How do you score these postmortem interviews?
    I’m not even sure who Whitney Cummings is and I don’t even care to look her up.
    I remember, back in 80s, how white people used to love Whitney. And then she married Bobbi Brown and then they had to find another minority celebrity to love so as not to be seen as Racists. Funny, those same people voted for Obama in 2008.
    Great Interview!

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