The after-effects of a party at Adam Avitable's house

My expert guide to using Facebook to throw an awesome party

Last week I threw a party at my house, and instead of sending out invitations or using evites, I relied exclusively on Facebook‘s option to “Create an event”.   We’ve gone a long way from sending out personal invitations and the Miss Manners approach to RSVPs and party attendance.  It can be frustrating and complicated, but by following my simple steps, your party can be as amazing and epic as mine was!

The after-effects of a party at Adam Avitable's house

1. Make an event that sounds exciting.  One month before the actual party, create an event on Facebook.  Since all of your friends get spammed on a regular basis by event after event, from stupid charities that aren’t actually events to out-of-state performances of their friends’ third-grade children, you have to make it sound exciting and compelling.  Some good titles you can use are as follows:

  • Free iPad to Every Attendee!
  • My Spouse’s Intervention – Please Help
  • Meet Brad Pitt
  • My Last Chance To See You Before I Die Of Eyeball Cancer
  • I’ll Provide Sexual Gratification For All Who Attend

2. Invite the right people.  Using Facebook’s invite function, you can send out invitations to all of your Facebook friends, but don’t go crazy.  It’s important to only invite friends who will be engaging, social, and who will bring hot, slutty friends.  If you have friends who do not have a Facebook account, there is an easy solution.  People not on Facebook don’t count as real people and deserve to die sad, lonely deaths.

3. Don’t panic!  When your party is only one week away and nobody has responded to your event, it’s okay!  In today’s society, it’s common courtesy not to RSVP in any way to any event, and it’s normal if not a single person has the decency or respect to actually let you know that they’re attending.  Etiquette is for old people, dude.  Just relax and take a deep breath, then send out the invite to your secondary group of Facebook friends – the ones who will sit in cliques, talk quietly, and stare hostilely at the other cliques at the party.

4. Use psychological tactics to encourage the best attendance.  When your party is three days away and you still have no idea who’s coming, if they’re bringing anything or even if you’ll just be sitting alone by your pool crying, don’t worry.  Post a passive-aggressive message on the Facebook wall for your event.  Something like this should work:

Hey guys – don’t forget about Friday’s party!  I’ve been spending a lot of money on food and drink, and would really like for you to be the people who benefit from it!  Let me know if you’re going to be able to make it, because if not, I might just donate all of this food to the shelter and go visit my grandmother in the hospital instead.  Nana doesn’t have long to live.  Hope to hear from you soon!

Follow that up with a few posts on the Facebook walls for the most popular friends that you’ve invited.  A good technique can be to pretend like you’ve forgotten if they’re attending:

Hey hot stuff, can’t wait to see you Friday!  I forgot – did you say you were going to be able to make it and bring a bottle of booze?  Let me know, k?  Sweet!

5. Buy enough supplies.  By this point, let’s say you have 190 outstanding invitations.  A good rule of thumb is to assume a 50% attendance rate, so go out and buy food and drinks for 95 people.  At a typical party, each person will drink the equivalent of 14 drinks and eat the equivalent of 6 entrees, so, for example, if you were having a cookout, you would want to have 1,330 beers and 570 burgers.  Don’t forget mixers, soda, and snacks, as well.  60 cases of assorted soda, 14 gallons of juice, and 38 bags of different flavors of potato chips should be sufficient.

6. Get your final preparations ready.  On the day before your amazing, epic party is about to start, you may feel worried that nobody has responded to your wall posts or RSVPed in the positive or negative.  No reason to panic!  This is the point when you can start inviting the rest of your friends – the people who are loners and will just sit by themselves and text instead of interacting.  Invite the uggos and the sad sacks.  The wallflowers and the odoriferous.  The large and hairy.  In fact, just make the event public on Facebook and invite anyone who manages to see the post.  Follow this up with a series of posts on your wall hyping the party and encouraging people to visit.  Don’t be disheartened when only your mom and your uncle who lives in Massachusetts like your status.  It will be okay!

7. It’s time to party!  Your event may have stated that the start time for your party was 6 PM, but it’s important to know that nobody except your friend with halitosis and Aspergers who can only talk about Star Wars will show up before 9:30.  At the earliest. Don’t despair – leave him to watch the door and head down to the local homeless shelters. Pack as many hobos as you can into your car and bring them to your party – you can even tie them to the roof if you need.  The bums can act as placeholders for your partygoers until the 12 people who are actually your friends show up at midnight for fifteen minutes and then leave.  Plus, the homeless will actually appreciate the booze and will be plenty social, though they may only be social with their imaginary friends.  And I’m sure you’ll be able to find someone to cuddle with that night easily!

It may seem daunting, and it can be a lot of work, but throwing a successful bash using Facebook’s event system can be rewarding and socially illuminating at the same time! Don’t let the minor frustrations of the system and the sheer lack of decent manners among humanity keep you from putting on the best party you can!

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10 Replies to “My expert guide to using Facebook to throw an awesome party”

  1. Cissa Fireheart

    If I had been invited, I would have RSVP’d. Of course I understand I wasn’t invited because I don’t live anywhere near you anymore….but if I did, no doubt we would have had a wicked awesome time. And to think my stripper outfit just came back from the cleaners! Would have been an awesome show for one! 😉

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