Last week, I asked you to send in questions about absolutely anything you could come up with, and I would answer each of them, regardless of my level of knowledge or expertise, or even complete lack thereof. And here goes . . .
Mark asked: “What tragedy happened to you that made you so funny? Did you happen to grow up near Penn State by chance?”
I’ve been fortunate that I’ve had no such tragedy such as being buggered by Jerry Sandusky. I don’t think anyone needs tragedy to find humor, but I do think that many comedians have had dark, tragic lives. It works as a coping mechanism, but for those of us who were relatively blessed in our lives, we still have insecurities and issues that eat us up inside, and making light of those helps make life livable.
Will asked: “Your willingness to get up on stage and tell jokes is something I admire. How did you manage the stage fright and panic aspect when you began and how do you manage that now?”
I never had a high degree of stage fright, although I did feel nervous the very first time on stage, and when I watched the video afterwards, the speed at which I delivered my set demonstrated my nervousness. There has never been any panic or fright, though, which is really lucky. I think it’s because I imagine the audience in their skeletons.
Krëg asked: “What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?”
Is it carrying a coconut?
Debbie asked: “What’s a good mantra to repeat to myself for the next time I hear about my ex’s size 0 girlfriend calling me “fat and ugly”? ‘Cause “ohmmmygodyourleatheryneckflapsinthebreeze” seems petty and unoriginal.”
Try this one, “How do those sloppy seconds taste?” And then snap your fingers in a z-motion.
Nuala Reilly asked: “Okay, several questions just because I’m curious like that:
1. Favourite movie. Or top five in case you can’t pick just one like me.
2. Favourite stand up comic- who is your idol?
3. Dream job-if you could do ANYTHING and make a living at it…
4. Favourite swear (that one is just for fun)
5. Reason you got into blogging.”
Psst, I got your book in the mail the other day. Thanks!
- I can’t really decide because it depends on my mood, but they fluctuate between Airplane, The Professional, and The Fifth Element.
- Bill Cosby is my idol, though I love Louis CK, Steve Martin, Steven Wright, Denis Leary, and George Carlin, as well.
- If I could have any dream job, I’d want to be a full-time, successful comedian.
- I don’t actually swear that much, but I’d say “motherfucker” is one of my favorites.
- Blogging was a way for me to vent about my job before I started my company. Now it’s a way for me to feed my insatiably increasing ego.
B.E. Earl asked: “OK, my questions assumes you have seen the film “A Few Good Men” at least once. Several times would be preferable, but once would at least give you an understanding of where I’m coming from. Spoiler alert if you haven’t seen it yet.
Lt. Cdr. Jo Galloway (as played by Demi Moore)…worst character ever or WORST CHARACTER EVER?!?!
She fucks everything up in the courtroom from the get-go with her poor preparation of Pfc. Loudon Downey and that horrible strenuous objection during the cross examination of Dr. Stone. “I strenuously object? Is that how it works?”
Then, with no legal argument or substantial proof, she basically brow-beats Kaffey into putting Col. Jessup onto the stand so that he can “make him” admit his crime. Fair enough, but THEN right when he needs the most confidence from his team, right at the moment that he is prepared to question Jessup, she tells him to back off if he doesn’t think he can get it out of him.
She chooses that fucking moment to remind him that she is special counsel for Internal Affairs and that he can get into a lot of trouble. BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT SHE HAD BEEN HARPING ON HIM TO DO ALL ALONG!!!
Sure, it all turned out okay. No thanks to Lt. Cdr. Jo Galloway.
So I put it to you, is she the worst character ever or the worst character ever?”
Is that the one with Patrick Swayze and they make a clay pot together?
Annabelle asked: “If I am a person with no calling (in regards to career choice) what the fuck should I do? I am a people person, I hate tedium, I resent authority, I am a pleaser by nature. Yes, I’ve considered prostitution, but it doesn’t appeal to me either.”
Start a charity or join a local one and get involved in helping people. If that doesn’t work, I’m looking for a fluffer.
Amanda Bone asked: “When are we going to talk longer than 3 minutes at a time?”
Abcynth asked: “Would you be willing to endure a manzilian while being filmed? This is of course strictly for scientific research purposes.”
Actually, this is one of my plans – I want to go find a salon that will do it and get a brozilian while being documented on video. So, yes. Are you offering to the be the videographer? Whoever you are?
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter asked: “What did you do with the hair you shaved from your head?
Why did you go to law school and not take the bar?
What moment in your life gifted you with clarity about your purpose?
What moment in your life made your gut wrench and caused you to wonder about your true purpose?
Why are we friends?”
- I planted it outside to grow little Avitables.
- Because the practice of law is tedious and so restricted by rules that I couldn’t see myself fitting in. I’m glad I have the education, though.
- I have no idea about my purpose. Right now I just want to make people laugh, but that doesn’t seem like much of a calling. If it were, I’m sure it happened when I was a kid and realized that any attention, good or bad, was good attention.
- Every moment when I don’t feel like I am excelling I have that gut wrenching doubt.
- Because we are NWA forever. Nerds With Attitude, of course.
Loukia asked: “Why IS Canada the very best country on planet earth?”
It’s not. Too much snow and laws that are too lax, along with that whole hatred between the French speaking and English speaking prevents it from being the best country. The best country would have to be Ireland, but mostly because of the redheads!
Poppy asked: “I know you’ve gone through a lot of big life changes lately. Are you planning to leave Florida, or are you staying for the foreseeable future?”
If I’m still in Florida in two years, I’ll probably shoot myself in the head.
Blondefabulous asked: “Having been a “Girlfriend” to your many female friends in the past how would you suggest I handle dealing with my new league? Playing roller derby, you’d think we roller chicks would be all blood & guts, gung ho, skate or die, but in reality, you get a group of women together there’s gonna be drama, namely the passive aggressive kind that solves absolutely NOTHING. Currently, I have the league founder asking me to take over in a leadership position(board of directors & possibly president), but with my no nonsense approach to business & skate training, I might just offend every damn skater in the process with my brusque style! Any ideas? (Remember, I break bones, so this better be good.)”
The best solution is to take each girl aside separately and talk to them one by one. Tell them that you think that they’re amazing and that you just want them to always feel like they can be honest with you and trust you, because you’ll always shoot straight with them. Then tell them that if they lie to you or cause drama, you will make their lives hell. End with a hug.
Then make out and send me the video.
Diddy asked: “Why does it hurt when I pee?”
I don’t know, let me look at-OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
Jana asked “What the fuck?”
I know, right?
Not Beehive asked: “Is it ever legal to kill one’s ex-MIL? I’m just asking for a, uh, friend.
Are you still friends with Miss Britt? Something you wrote a while ago seemed to indicate not.
Was it the margarita or the Mexican food I had last night that left me feeling half dead all day?”
- It would be legal in a specific situation where you orchestrated something to make it look like the MIL had attacked you credibly and you reacted with self-defense in proper proportions. Or if you just took her on a cruise and pushed her overboard once you hit international waters.
- Friendships wax and wane, and the places we were in our lives meant that growing apart was the only real option. She’ll always be an important person in my life, even if our paths don’t cross again.
- It was Montezuma.
Thepsychobabble asked: “Can you explain the purpose of Klout to me? Because I still don’t get it.”
I quit my Klout account because it’s just an artificially created way to make people compete for something that doesn’t matter in the slightest. It has no bearing on anything in the world. Don’t waste another brain cell.
Sybil asked: “Is my cape hanging on your wall?”
Do you mean the one you’re wearing in these photos? No, I think it got discarded years ago, unfortunately. I should have framed it! Or made it into a pair of manties to wear.
Thanks to everyone who asked questions!