Todd Akin is running on empty

What else is Todd Akin not telling us?

Todd Akin is running on empty

You’d have to be living under a rock to miss the controversy around the statements made by United States Representative Todd Akin, but just in case there is moss growing on you, Akin is under fire for his comments regarding abortion rights for the victims of rape:

“… from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something. I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be on the rapist and not attacking the child.”

It’s clear that his Management Engineering degree from Worcester Polytech and his Master of Divinity degree at Covenant Theological Seminary have given Akin some valuable insight into the workings of the human body. His affirmation that the uterus has the magical ability to prevent pregnancy in the case of “legitimate rape” (which is different from every other type of rape how?) is a medical miracle. Who knew that women could just tap their heels together three times and say “There’s no baby in there. There’s no baby in there. There’s no baby in there” and it would work?! The fact that the public at large is unaware of this fact points to a vast conspiracy created by the birth control and condom manufacturers of the world.

What else is Todd Akin not telling us? With his type of high-level government access to these miracles of modern medicine and science, there must be more that we, as the poor uneducated masses, are missing!

With that in mind, I did some investigating, hacked Akin’s phone, and saw some of the talking points he has for his future appearances on television. Some of the things that we don’t know about science and physics and our bodies will blow your mind – are you ready to hear about all of the other things that Todd Akin knows but hasn’t told us yet?

  1. Seat belts are actually unnecessary because in a life-threatening crash, our bone structure will automatically become dense enough to survive any accident. The only reason that there are traffic fatalities at all is because this self-preservation only kicks in if the person is not wearing the seat belt and praying to Jesus right as the accident occurs.
  2. Racism is not a social issue. It’s the result of different color skin emitting pheromones that can cause fear and hatred in others. If you don’t want to be afraid of black people, just wear a mask, or maybe a pointy white hood, when you approach them.
  3. The Challenger blew up because all of the astronauts forgot to hold their breath as they ascended.
  4. Chickens are one of many species that consider homosexual behavior to be abhorrent in their own kind, so Chick Fil-A is only following the will and desires of the animals they prepare and should not be boycotted.
  5. Bullets will not hit you unless you legitimately deserve to be shot.
  6. Children in third-word countries have smaller fingers and a higher ability to concentrate on small details, which makes them ideal for creating clothes and shoes to sell in America.
  7. God does talk to you, and he sounds like Liam Neeson’s Aslan from the Chronicles of Narnia movies.
  8. Televisions actually emit rays that can affect brain patterns, which means that people who watch gay characters will start to feel homosexual urges, people who watch liberal news channels will start to hate religion, and anybody who watches BET will try to rob you.
  9. The weight of a woman’s hair causes her brain to shrink, which means that her decision-making ability is affected. This is why women should just put any decisions regarding their bodies and wombs in the hands of balding men.
  10. The flexibility and loss of inhibitions from drinking alcohol are actually beneficial to society because they create plenty of wholesome Christian situations for drunk men and drunk women to have quasi-consensual sex and hopefully procreate, repopulating the world with submissive women and God-fearing men.
  11. Bert and Ernie are a gay couple and a tool of Satan.

Don’t you feel enlightened now?

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39 Replies to “What else is Todd Akin not telling us?”

  1. Maura

    I really hope I never hear this asshole’s name again after today because I have been completely saturated by tales of his utter idiocy via social media.

    That said, it wouldn’t surprise me if a few uber-“conservative” nutjobs didn’t hold at least a few of these beliefs somewhere in their so-called brains. 🙂

  2. Dave2

    I don’t understand why everybody is so upset… this guy is on the Science Council on Krypton and stuff, so he obviously knows what he’s talking about. Besides, it’s the same principle as our bodies rejecting unnecessary calories, which means we can eat all the ice cream we want to without gaining weight. You can’t argue with science.

  3. B.E. Earl

    The answer to your “…which is different from every other type of rape how?” question is that his labeling it “legitimate” is part of a passive-aggressive (not really so passive) agenda by some politicians. An agenda which claims that many (most?) reported rapes were actually consensual and that these hussies are only claiming them to be rape so that they can get an abortion. Or use it in divorce proceedings. It’s disgusting.

    It isn’t his lack of scientific knowledge that infuriates me. That kinda makes me laugh. It’s this attempt by he and his ilk to politicize something as horrific as rape to fit into their pro-life agendas. Evil mother-fuckers…

  4. ADW

    I guess since you can’t get pregnant at all by sodomy, why don’t all rapists just sodomize their victims and then they can get a free pass because there is no way in hell that would be considered “legitimate.”

    He is the reason the word FUCKTARD was invented. Period. The end.

  5. Stacey

    But he “missspoke”. I mean geez. Doesn’t that explain away all of his ignorance ?

    Not that I’m wishing death on anyone but that statement is clear evidence that he’s too stupid to live. How he functions on a daily basis is beyond me.

  6. Becky

    I knew about Bert and Ernie.
    This Akin thing is right in my wheelhouse, being from Missouri. And being from St. Louis, I’m in Dana Loesch territory. Around here, we get it 24/7. Much like Clinton trying to define “is”, everyone around here is trying to find the proper spin on what Legitimate means to be less offensive.
    I don’t support either, as I can’t vote, but what we as Missourians know, that few outside Mo do, is that McCaskill has had her fair share of misspeaks as well. One that raised a fuss here was she called the people in an Akin ad Fake Missourians when in fact they were pulled from the St. Louis, O’Fallon, St. Charles area. While it is not on the same level, to the same degree, they both are fucktards to a point.
    It’s odd sitting here, watching the internet blow up about an election none of you will participate in. I get that the elected will go on to make policy that effects everyone, but we in MO are the ones to elect them.
    There are those who are calling for him to step down. There are those who are saying if he steps down, it should be HIS choice. There are also those who say if he steps down, that negates the primaries because he was dully elected by those people who voted. I don’t know, and I don’t care.
    Bert and Ernie are gay and should be allowed to get married. The end.
    (sorry to get on a soapbox here)

  7. Emily

    I AM ENLIGHTENED. For the longest time I did not know this, but thanks to Mr. Akin, my special powers may now be utilized. I feel like I’ve been saying this a lot lately, but yeah, this does not reflect well on the republicans.

  8. Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity

    You know, when I was a scared fourteen year old girl praying, pleading & begging God to not let me be pregnant after my 16-year old boyfriend raped me, this info about my young female body shutting off conception would have been useful. Then again, it would have had to have been a “legitimate” or “forcible” rape for that function to have kicked in, right? I guess the trauma I suffered wasn’t real or violent enough, then.

    And the guilt, shame and fear I have gone through after making the decision to have an abortion was just my punishment for not being properly raped, huh? Me thinking that bringing a child into this world that was conceived in rape was a bad idea for everyone, INCLUDING the child was a mistake?

    I knew a man who’s mother told him he was a product of rape. He had a very bad life filled with drug abuse, violence and ultimately death. Why? Because he felt like he was inherently evil and an abomination. His father was a rapist. His mother could not forget it.

    Even if a child of rape is raised by the most loving parents in the world, there will come a time when he or she wants to know their true origins. That information could shatter even the strongest of people.

    How does that make a healthy, happy human being? Short answer: It doesn’t.

    I wrote a post about my trauma, but I don’t yet have the courage to publish it.

    Todd Akin can kiss my white, Irish ass. I hope someone rapes HIM so he can feel the pain, torture and shame myself and every rape victim has endured. Maybe then he won’t talk like he doesn’t posses the brains God gave him any longer.

    Who am I kidding? He’s always going to think this way. You can’t fix stupid.

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