This interview with Osama bin Laden was originally published on May 3, 2011, after he was killed at the hands of American forces in a covert action authorized by President Obama. I thought it fitting to edit it and republish it for the anniversary of September 11th.
Name: Osama bin Laden
Born: March 10, 1957
Died: May 2, 2011
Profession(s): Terrorist and founder of al-Qaeda
Best known for: As the leader of al-Qaeda, Osama bin Laden was responsible for orchestrating several terrorist attacks, most notably the attacks of September 11th, 2001.
Fun fake fact: Bin Laden’s parents almost named him Obama bin Laden. Wouldn’t that have been hilariously confusing?
Avitable: I don’t really have much to say. You’re kind of an asshole and I really have a hard time not wanting to punch you in your face.
Bin Laden: And you are a part of the Great American Satan; however, I do like your beard.
Bin Laden: Yes. I may hate America, but I hate poorly maintained beards even more.
Avitable: Me too! How long did it take you to grow yours?
Bin Laden: I have grown this beard for over 34 years.
Avitable: I’ve had mine since I was 17, but I can’t shave it. When I do, I’ll look like some weird fat baby.
Bin Laden: I know what you are saying, my friend. Nobody would recognize me if I shaved my beard – I would look 20 years younger and completely different!
Avitable: Maybe you should have done that after the whole 9/11 thing.
Bin Laden: Shit. I didn’t even think of that. I was hiding in caves and moving every four days, and I really should have just shaved my damn beard.
Avitable: It’s okay – I mean, it’s your beard. It’s important!
Bin Laden: That’s true. You know where I’m coming from. There’s a special fraternity that’s shared among the bearded men of the world.
Avitable: Agreed. *fist bump*
Bin Laden: Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?
Avitable: Not at all. Shoot.
Bin Laden: What type of conditioner do you use? I mean, your beard is nice and shiny, not all dry like mine.
Avitable: Oh, I usually use Bath and Body Works or Aveda.
Bin Laden: Are those both American companies?
Bin Laden: Sigh. I can’t really use them, then. I have to use this shitty Afghani shampoo. It’s 90% goat fat extract. But how can I be all “Death to America” if I am buying five Wallflowers from Bath and Body Works for $15? It’s such a great deal, too!
Avitable: Have you really thought this whole “Great American Satan” thing through? Honestly, did we really ever do anything to you?
Bin Laden: Well, you know, it’s all Ronald Reagan’s fault.
Avitable: How’s that?
Bin Laden: We just had a good meeting, and as I was leaving, I realized I forgot my sunglasses, and they were really expensive Ray-Bans, so I went back for them. As I was walking past Reagan’s office, I heard someone say “So, how’s Bonzo the Chimp doing?” and then everyone laughed. From that point forward, I hated him and America.
Avitable: You thought they were talking about you?
Bin Laden: Well, who else could it be? It’s not like there was a real Bonzo the chimp . . . . and uh oh! Oh boy. I’m seeing the look on your face and feeling kinda dumb. There is a real Bonzo, isn’t there?
Avitable: Yeah. He was a co-star in a movie that Reagan was in. He hated that movie, so people would tease him about it all the time.
Bin Laden: Well, shit. This whole al-Qaeda thing was just a big misunderstanding, then! I guess I should have talked to Ronny about it.
Avitable: Probably would have been a good idea. So, what do you think about America now?
Bin Laden: Are you kidding? I love America! Let’s go get some Bath and Body Works!
Did you enjoy this interview? You can buy my book, Interviews with Dead Celebrities, for only $2.99 for Kindle and $9.99 in paperback, on Amazon.com. It has 40 interviews that have been published here on Avitable.com over the years, along with 15 new interviews that have never before been seen!