A few of my comedian friends (Arnie Ellis, Pedro Lima, and Ken Miller), just got back from Las Vegas where they were competing in the World Series of Comedy. It got me thinking about how much I miss Vegas. I haven’t been there in over a year, and that needs to change.
If you have never been to Vegas, you need to go at least once in your life. And if you don’t think that a trip to Sin City is for you, you’re probably just ignorant of all of the awesome things to do in Vegas. Here – I’ll educate you with my expert guide to having a blast in Las Vegas:
- Prank your friends. You know that old pizza delivery prank where you have 25 pizzas delivered to the house of someone you hate and then laugh because they’re confused about it even though in reality it’s a prank on the pizza place that just lost money because you’re actually kind of a jerk? Just imagine trying that and a legal prostitute! Does your friend love large African American women? Have a petite albino redhead sent to his room for some excellent laughs.
- Win money, guaranteed. Here’s the trick that nobody will tell you if you want to escape Las Vegas without losing all of your money. First of all, don’t spend anything at first. Wait until all of your friends are out of cash. Then, loan each of them a portion of your money at a generous interest rate of 29% compounded daily. Then, sit back and collect!
- Don’t sleep. With the nightlife in Las Vegas never ending, you need to make sure that you medicate yourself properly to avoid any need or desire to sleep. I suggest a combination of Adderall, pseudophedrine, 5-hour energy shots, and Red Bull. If your heart can survive the weekend, you’ll be glad you didn’t sleep a wink!
- Go to the movies. You’d think that this would be the last thing on your mind, but every time I go to Vegas, I go to the movies. It’s a great escape during the day because the temperatures might reach one million degrees Celsius by eight AM, and it’s almost impossible to hang out by the pool unless you want to drown in your sweat or get sunburned so badly that it hurts to breathe.
- Don’t stay too long. According to this page at Mobile Casino Safari, “Two days is a little too short to fully enjoy Vegas. Three days is too long.” I suggest going for two days, twelve hours, and fourteen minutes. That’s the perfect amount of time to enjoy yourself without burning out from the nonstop noise, mazes of casinos, obnoxious people handing you pamphlets, wallet-draining gambling, and constant influx of alcohol into your system.
- Stop calling yourself the Wolfpack. We get it, you liked The Hangover. I don’t know why – it’s not a very good movie, and it’s not even that funny. In fact, it’s kind of stupid. And by calling you and your friends the Wolfpack, you’re just doing the same thing that every other “clever” person has done since that terrible movie came out. Give it up!
Need more expert advice from Avitable?
- How to talk dirty
- How to get hired for any job
- How to write well and get published
- How to be funny
- How to throw an awesome party
- How to wish someone a happy birthday
- How to get rid of anxiety attacks or panic attacks
- How to have great phone sex
- How to recognize the signs of depression
Disclosure: This post was written in collaboration with Poker Junkie. Plus, I finally got to go grocery shopping and buy more than mayo and ranch dressing.