Adam Avitable's New Year's Resolutions

My 2013 New Year’s Resolutions.

Adam Avitable's New Year's Resolutions

Resolutions are those things that we make to try to convince ourselves that we’re making progress in our lives and not regressing in our ability to be mature, functioning adults who contribute to society as a whole. They’re generally useless and have very little impact on how we actually end up living our lives past January 2nd.

What the hell, though. Here are my 2013 New Year’s resolutions:

  • Write 30 new minutes of stand-up.
  • Develop the plan and begin putting together the material for my next book.
  • Read at least one book a week and ideally one book a day.
  • Remember to breathe.
  • Keep on the path of always being honest and never lying.
  • Be proud of my sappy romanticism.
  • Lose thirty pounds.
  • Take a real vacation for at least 2-3 days where I don’t check email or my phone.
  • Continue to push everyone to defy traditions, cross lines, and ignore boundaries.
  • Embrace my hero complex but temper it so it doesn’t occur to my detriment.
  • Be generous even in the face of financial difficulty.
  • Apologize to my neighbors for all of the times they see me sunbathing naked.
  • Sunbathe naked more.
  • Cut back television to 3 shows.
  • Take more photos of myself in the middle of the night to post on Instagram.
  • Love those who deserve it and cut those out who don’t.
  • Have lots more sex. With other people, if possible.
  • Travel around the Southeast and do feature work as a comedian.
  • Move to Los Angeles, or at least make concrete plans to move by early 2014.
  • Send copies of my book to every reviewer I can find.
  • Be selfish and take care of myself.
  • Get a gig speaking professionally at some venue.
  • Expand my pharmaceutical palate and try molly and shrooms.
  • Learn how to dance like someone other than a fat awkward white guy.
  • Stop worrying what age I’m acting and just be me.
  • Celebrate my birthday instead of hiding from it.
  • Use my narcissistic powers for good.
  • Stand up for those who can’t, support those who are without it, and never turn a blind eye to those in need.
  • Figure out the “now” and know that the future will happen as it’s supposed to.
  • Keep being the best damn Avitable I can be.
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13 Replies to “My 2013 New Year’s Resolutions.”

  1. Loukia

    I just lost my comment! Annoying.
    Anyway, you are too old to try shrooms now! That ship has sailed along with 1999.
    How about… DO act your age! It’s way more awesome than acting like a teenager. 😉
    I resolve to… to not be *so* opinionated. Ha-ha…

  2. Sheila

    After I got done choking on a potato chip and telling Mike what I was laughing about, Annabeth wanted to know too. I told her “My friend wants to learn how to dance.” So, Annabeth, in the spirit of true generosity, has offered to teach you how to dance.

    You’re welcome.

  3. jd523

    Good list. : ) As a first (and last) time experience in 2012, regarding Shrooms, I advise you to:
    a) be home
    b) be NOT alone (psychedelic friend is preferable)
    c) be dressed, partially dressed, or naked, …(aw fuck it. It will likely change several times)
    d) NOT eat Shrooms during the most intense thunderstorm of the year
    e) remind yourself that a minute is still 60 seconds, not 4 days
    f) don’t attempt to escape by closing your eyes, this only amplifies.
    g) don’t eat the whole damn bag… unless the gist of this sounds appealing to you.

    I did not follow B, don’t know about C, D, attempted E without much luck, F, or G.

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