Buddy The Cat

Adopt me! A guest post by Buddy The Cat

Adam Avitable's Temporary Cat

Hey humans. I’m Buddy. I’m a cat. A girl cat, which is really screwed up, if you think about it. Who names a female cat Buddy? I’ll tell you who. This guy:

Jim Avitable
My last owner, Jim Avitable.

He adopted me six years ago when I kept hanging around outside his house and wouldn’t go away. Once he found out I was not, in fact, a boy, he continued calling me Buddy out of stubbornness. So now everyone just assumes I’m a boy. Talk about gender confusion! I mean, yeah, I’m fixed and all that, but girl likes to let her claws out every now and then too.

Jim and his woman human recently moved away and couldn’t bring me with them. I heard them on the metal talky thing using words like “last resort” and “Adam? Are you sure?” and “mid-life crisis” and “lonely bastard.” Next thing I knew, I moved into a new home. This place:

Facebook Page for the Avitable Camp for Wayward Women

And now I have to be rescued. Seriously. This guy can barely take care of himself. He sits around on the electronic porn box all the time, never wears clothes, and eats nothing but bacon and mayonnaise. I managed to snap a quick photo of him in his normal daily outfit:

Adam Avitable brushing teeth

This guy and I aren’t getting along. He’s not big into petting or touching and apparently the idea of cleaning up litter is too much for a big old manly man like him. Plus, I think he’s allergic – ever since I showed up, he’s been sneezing and whining about a headache and watery eyes and stupid stuff like that. What a wuss!

I even went on his electronic porn box when he was asleep and pulled up information on Maine Coon cats to show that I’m an easy breed to get along with, but he just read it and then clicked back over to youporn. And last night, I heard him say “make cat jerky out of you” in his sleep, so now I’m really worried!

Buddy The Cat Needs Adoption
Seriously, why do humans think we talk like this? We’re smarter than most of you.

I’m okay for now, because he’s duct taped to the bed, and I’m getting plenty of sustenance as I slowly suck the soul out of him through his nose and mouth, but I think it might be time to move on. There’s got to be a bunch of humans out there who don’t have allergies, who actually like pets, who aren’t naked all the time, and who don’t live at a strip club. Like, c’mon. There is so much glitter in this house that a cat can’t even lick herself clean.

You want me? Just show up at the house with a can of tuna and a better name than Buddy, and I’m all yours. A name like Princess Buddy!

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11 Replies to “Adopt me! A guest post by Buddy The Cat”

  1. Nona

    Buddy: You poor thing! So much humiliation for one cat to take. Tell the naked guy to put on some clothes, go to the store and get some Claritan and more litter and get over it. He’s a cat guardian now and he needs to shape up.

  2. Dad

    I’m pretty sure that some time in your past I heard mention of wanting children. Hah! You can’t even put in the time to allow buddy to acclimate to you and your house while you get used to buddy. If you put in a small amount of time and care, you will have a nice, easy to care for, loving cat. Do you really think that there wasn’t a time when you where a little crazy creature, that I maybe thought about trading you for something? Man up and care for buddy. Everything isn’t about YOU!

  3. beearl

    Common mistake. Cats don’t suck your soul out through your mouth and nose while you are sleeping. Trolls do that. Cats prevent trolls from doing that. Hence, you should keep Buddy. Maine Coons are awesome, and she will make a great addition to your home.

  4. Ashleigh

    Princess Buddy was clearly brought into your like for a reason. If only for comedic fodder and an excuse to down sleep-inducing benedryl. Keep a line of communication open from her POV and you just might find your next book. Also, don’t be afraid to love up on the fur monster a little…she just might end up being your best new Buddy!

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