Entrenched in the Avitable Camp for Wayward Women, surrounded by wayward women sustaining me with bacon, Coke Zero, and Peanut Butter M&Ms, I pound away at my keyboard in an attempt to thoroughly satisfy you, the Internet hordes, questioning every aspect of my being. Yes, I am indeed the one who posted on Facebook, Google Plus and Instagram and asked each of you to pepper me with questions, but this is 2015, and if you weren’t already aware, I shall make you glaringly aware, that this is the year – no, this is the decade – of not accepting responsibility for anything.
What follows is entirely your fault.
Rose asked: What is your all time favorite snack?
As a fat man who considers snacks to be his true lifeblood, this could in fact be the most difficult question posed. First, what’s considered a snack? Is it only the foods one can find in the snack aisle of the grocery store? Or could it be any food that is eaten during the day but isn’t considered breakfast, brunch, lunch, brinner, dinner, or fourth meal?
My affinity for bacon is well-known, and there can be nothing more filling than a delicious bacony snack straight from the oven. I also love sweets, though, and can decimate a package of Double Stuf Oreos or Peanut Butter M&Ms faster than you can say Type 2 Diabetes. Sometimes, though, it’s all about the savory, and a bag of Fritos scoops with a jar of Ranch-like dip hits my stomach’s g-spot (where the g stands, of course, for gluttony).
After hours of deliberation, though, there’s only one true answer: The Pioneer Woman’s Bacon Wrapped Crackers. You can use parmesan cheese to make them savory or brown sugar to make them sweet, and combined with the bacon, the only proper term that can describe them is orgasmic.
Zach asked: Can you list the sex things you wouldn’t do?
Had you asked me six or seven years ago, when I was still married to the woman to whom I lost my virginity, it would have been easier to list the limited acts that I actually would do. As I’ve grown older and enjoyed the sexual experimentation that comes with having multiple partners of different ages and backgrounds, I’ve found that the best credo when it comes to sex is this:
I’ll try anything at least once.
There is a small caveat – any acts that may be within the purview of a fecalphiliac or zoophiliac are sexual proclivities I will avoid at all costs.
Doug asked: We know that practicing law was like a dirt shower, but in hindsight how much do you regret those crappy grueling years of law school to ultimately only use a small percentage in daily life?
I entered law school to become a litigator, seduced by the sexiness of Law & Order courtroom scenes and John Grisham novels. The more I learned about the red tape and arbitrary rules and standards, as well as the truly small amount of time spent in the courtroom doing anything of value, the more disillusioned I became.
However, I don’t regret a second of it. Law school teaches one to think in a vastly different way than any other type of education. The world shifts from black and white to shades of gray delimited by semantic language, varying degrees of interpretation and an understanding of the importance of the ways that our perspective colors everything.
I use my education and degree daily, from talking to clients and anticipating their rebuttals as well as persuading them to see my point of view to dealing with the legal issues facing any business owner to writing comedy, which bases a great deal of its appeal on the analysis of the English language. It’s also a terminal degree that opens up doors I would otherwise find securely locked – I can teach, my words have authority, and I can convince women to let me give them impromptu breast examinations because they don’t understand that not all doctors are of the medical persuasion.
Jen asked: Should I have Wheaties or Rice Krispies?
Do you want to be an Olympic athlete who can’t even smoke a little bud without getting vilified, or do you want to have three fun, exciting men make your mouth jump with joy? I think that’s a question only you can answer.
Victoria asked: How scary was it the first time you did stand up?
I’ve been asked before if I ever get nervous before I get on stage. I don’t, with a few firsts: The first time I went to an open mic, the first time I performed at a legitimate comedy show, the first time I featured, the first time I headlined, and the first time I performed in front of my mother.
It’s never been scary, though. I felt nervous about performing in front of people and about not forgetting my material, but that dissipated almost as soon as I heard my first laugh from an audience member. It was much scarier the first time I talked honestly online about weight loss or my divorce or other personal issues. I think the support I received from those posts actually helped eliminate any fear from being on stage.
Bonnie asked: How are your plans for moving to LA coming?
Extremely slowly. Business has slowed down, and the financial consideration of making a move to one of the most expensive cities in the country has given me pause. I still plan on it, and I am working on several different projects that will enable my progress, but it will be at least another year.
Ben asked: What question do you wish people would ask you for this AMA?
I know a little about a lot of things. I’m a lawyer, an author, a blogger who is mildly famous on the Internet, an ordained minister, a comedian, a teacher, an artist, a vehicular speed junkie, a genius, painfully transparent, completely open, shameless, a voyeur, an exhibitionist, a perfectionist, a narcissist, a book lover, a comic book geek, an egomaniac, and a nefarious lothario. So I wanted people to ask about everything!
Rose asked: What’s the best place in which you’ve stuck your penis?
This is an oddly phrased question. I mean, on a woman, there are really only three places, and they’re all awesome and can all be the best, depending on the woman. And I’ve had sex in a variety of places that could all vie for being the best, too, but I wasn’t really sticking my penises in those locations as much as my penis was being wildly brandished like a tiny sword while within those places.
So, if I take the question to ask where the best place is that I engaged in sexual activity of some sort, I’d have to say it was a three-way tie:
- While staying in a room on one of the top floors of the Four Seasons hotel in the heart of San Francisco, I stayed with a girl who I fell madly in love with and we enjoyed unparalleled carnal pleasure that culminated in the window seat and against the window overlooking the entire city.
- The same girl and I stayed in Cocoa Beach and walked out to the beach one beautiful April evening, where we stripped down, laid out a blanket, and lost ourselves under the moonlight, to the chagrin of other random people who chose to walk the beach late at night.
- Halted road construction resulting in a dead end road that went nowhere and had no homes or businesses along it was the perfect secret rendezvous for scorching hot love, naked on the hood of my car, lit only by the moon.
Stacy asked: You spend most of your time being hilarious and totally open, approachable and an incredible friend. As open as you are and as much as you love to laugh, what is one thing you won’t joke about? Is there a line, and if so, what is it and why?
There is no line. I’ve been able to find humor in personal loss, divorce, tragedy, and many topics considered taboo by normal humans. I deal with tragedy with a dark sense of humor, and I won’t apologize for it, either. That said, I wouldn’t go to a funeral and joke about the deceased because the context wouldn’t be right for it to be funny. And when I perform weddings, I know the line between being funny for the sake of easing the tension and being offensive to the audience, so while there’s no topic I wouldn’t joke about, there are times when I wouldn’t joke about a topic.
And that’s it for part one! Every day this week, ending on my birthday on January 26th, I’ll post more questions and answers.
In the meantime: