I Am Avitable: Ask Me Anything – Day Three

In six days, I’ll be thirty-eight years old. These next six days will be filled with one event, one birthday party, three gigs, and one open mic. My time scarcely belongs to me now, so let’s get on with one of the more fun projects I’ve done recently. Day three of my Avitablized version of Ask Me Anything continues . . .

Zach asked: What are your top 3 self-pleasure mental scenarios?

I could never deign to choose between the vast multitude of fantasies that spur on my onanistic activities, but I can tell you this. She’s always red-haired, she’s always pale, she’s always tiny, and she always has two sisters that look just like her.

Amber and Clayton asked: Why are you doing this? 
Alan asked: Did we hurt you? That’s why you’re punishing us with this?

Why am I doing this? Why not? Is it abnormal to want to know what other people would ask you if they had a blank check and a handy pen? I’ve written about myself for over fifteen years and sometimes it’s nice to let friends, fans, readers, and frenemies take control instead.

The questions asked might jumpstart my creativity, provide me with new material for the computer screen or the late night stage, or give me further insight into myself. My readers and audience are my collective morphous muse.

Mik asked: Which late night talk show would be your preference to appear on as a guest first?

Right now, my favorite late night show is Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show. His enthusiasm is almost impossible to ignore, and I love the games he plays with his guests. Being a guest on his show would be no less than fucking amazing.

Though, I really want to go on @midnight, as well. Chris Hardwick entertains me, and I love seeing comedians just being comedians.

Yvonne asked: If there was just one thing you could do in life, and it could be anything, what would it be?

Read minds. I didn’t even have to think about this (okay, well, that’s not entirely true because I did think about answering that I would totally participate in autofellatio if I could, but then I decided to be serious). Understanding how people think is one of the most powerful tools and gifts anyone can have. Knowing how they actually think would be immeasurable.

If it was something that is actually possible, though, I would write. I would write books and screenplays and short stories and scripts and get lost in the worlds I want so badly to create.

Winter asked: What’s the secret to life?

The secret to life can be summed up in three easy steps:

  1. Be honest yet tactful.
  2. Indulge yourself, but not to excess.
  3. Dispense with tradition and superstition.

Following these steps will make sure that you treat people right, because if you’re honest, that also means being honest with yourself. You can do the things you enjoy – don’t sacrifice for the sake of sacrifice. Old rules and traditions just box us in, keeping us in line for no good reason except “that’s the way it’s always been”. Get rid of those and you’ll find new paths that will take you somewhere you never expected.

Joshua asked: Would you rather hug an British man who is racist or punch a blind kid to save him?

Would I be punching the blind kid to save the racist British man? Is the blind kid white or another race? Would punching the kid save him from having to grow up blind because my punch is so strong it would kill him? Can I hug the British man with my car? Details, man, details!

Joshua asked: Would you co adopt a dog with someone?

I’m not an animal person. I like animals, but I have learned over the last five years of being single that I have absolutely no need for an animal in my house. I used to have a dog, I had a cat for a week, and once in law school I had ferrets. I’ve never been happier without any of them.

The only way I could see myself co-adopting a dog with someone would be if they were the ones who would be taking care of said animal at all times, and I just had to tolerate its presence in my home. Even then, that someone had better be pretty amazing – sexually, intellectually, emotionally, and otherwise.

So, in summation, my answer is no, I will not co-adopt a dog with you.

Brian asked: On which side of the family does above average body fur run?

Paolo di Avitabile - my ancestor

Well, on one side of the family is Paolo di Avitabile, whose reign over a province called Peshawar was so tyrannical that the natives of that region turned him into the bogeyman, even to this day telling their children that if they did not behave, “Abutabela” will come to get them. You might have heard of Peshawar – it’s now part of Pakistan.

And on the other side, a gorilla. So, you decide.


Stacy asked: I know too well – and I know you do, too – that all too often the funniest, most gregarious, compassionate people are those who are most tortured inside. Whether it’s demons, an asshole inner critic, or any other negative thoughts descending, how do you ward them off? Robin Williams is a tragic example of what I mean when I ask you: what do you to to make sure you’re making yourself smile as much as you make others smile and laugh? How do you strike a balance between Adam the Real Person and Adam the Altruistic Comedian? Do you ever find it difficult to separate yourself from the stage?

I don’t ward them off. I let them out. It’s just as important to me to write about the things that weigh me down as those that lift me back up again.

Sometimes I just want someone to love me, hold me, tell me it's all going to be okay, then tell me to look for the rabbit and shoot me in the head.

For someone like myself, a narcissist who has no true identity beyond what his audience thinks of him, I can’t ever separate myself from the stage. Even at home, alone, I treat my life as if it were on TV. But as long as I have that outlet for the darkness that makes me who I am, I will always be fine.

That’s it for part 3! The rest will come over the next few days, but in the meantime:

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