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How Avitable Are You? The Most Terrifying Purity Test You’ll Ever Take

How Avitable Are You?

The Adam Avitable Purity Test

There are so many purity tests out there that subjectively decide whether you should avoid walking into churches or if you’re purer than driven snow, whatever the fuck driven snow is. There are no industry standards when it comes to purity.

So I decided to forego purity and make a test that any random human or dolphin with opposable thumbs and an Internet connection could take to find out exactly how Avitable they are. Each question has been hand-picked from my life – just check the boxes next to the nefarious deeds you’ve performed and see where you’re lacking and what needs to go on your immediate bucket list.

Warning: You can’t unlearn these things.

Are you pure or are you Avitable?

Have you ever . . .

  1. Been pulled over for speeding on at least 10 separate occasions?
  2. Stolen enough inventory from a job to stock your own store?
  3. Forged a signature?
  4. Shaved a design, number or word into any part of your body that has hair?
  5. Invaded someone’s privacy and read their email or checked their phone?
  6. Plotted a realistic and legitimate way to kill someone, even if you didn’t go through with it?
  7. Stalked someone on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter even if you’ve never met them, just because you want to have sex with them?
  8. Cheated on an exam in college or graduate school?
  9. Ran an adult website or participated in one?
  10. Dressed as someone of the opposite gender?
  11. Taken prescription medicine illegally?
  12. Used illegal drugs?
  13. Subscribed to at least three different types of pornographic magazines?
  14. Masturbated more than five times in a day?
  15. Masturbated while someone was in the next room?
  16. Masturbated to a video picturing yourself engaged in sex with someone?
  17. Used multiple toys or devices during sex or masturbation?
  18. Enabled someone to engage in destructive behavior?
  19. Enabled someone to cheat on their significant other with you?
  20. Been the other man (or woman) on at least four separate occasions?
  21. Cheated on your significant other?
  22. Traveled to another country to have sex with someone who was married?
  23. Traveled to a conference or event just to have sex with someone who was married?
  24. Had an orgasm (or given someone an orgasm) through prostate massage?
  25. Watched someone masturbate or have sex when they didn’t know you were watching?
  26. Been a complete and utter exhibitionist?
  27. Recorded yourself having sex with a partner?
  28. Sent naked pictures and/or videos to someone else with your phone?
  29. Received naked pictures and/or videos?
  30. Posted naked pictures of yourself on the Internet publicly?
  31. Had naked photos developed at a store that you later picked up in person?
  32. Written out and sent a sexual fantasy for someone else?
  33. Left a bruise, hickey, bite, or other mark on a visible part of your partner’s body?
  34. Masturbated or had sex in a church?
  35. Had sex with at least 20 people?
  36. Had sex in a moving car while you or the other person were driving?
  37. Had sex on a public beach?
  38. Had sex with more than three people in one week?
  39. Had sex with more than two people in one day?
  40. Had sex while under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol?
  41. Taken someone’s virginity of some type – oral, anal, or otherwise?
  42. Almost died while performing oral sex due to suffocation (or choking)?
  43. Participated in a rape/choking/pain fantasy?
  44. Had sex with someone fifteen or more years younger than you?
  45. Had phone/Skype/FaceTime sex?
  46. Hooked up with at least one of your sibling’s friends?
  47. Had sex with a friend’s ex?
  48. Had a one-night stand?
  49. Had sex with at least one employee, boss, or co-worker?
  50. Had sex with at least five redheads?

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