Dr. Adam Avitable knows all.

An Unofficial Study Of Alcoholism And Judginess

(via text message)

Me: Do you need a date to the wedding?
Rebekah: I don’t think it’s your kind of wedding.
Me: What does that mean? You know I actually can walk into churches without catching fire, right?
Rebekah: Right. Sure you can. Also, it’s a dry wedding.
Me: That’s what flasks are for.
Rebekah: No flasks!
Me: Okay, fine. I don’t need alcohol to have fun. I only drink 1-3 nights a week.
Rebekah: Only? Haha!
Me: That’s not bad!
Rebekah: Not bad compared to what? That’s a lot! Three times a month is not a lot.
Me: You know me. I can’t leave it at this. To the Internet!

Rebekah (r) holding a bottle of vodka she won at The Other Bar with her teammate, Mari (l).
Rebekah (r) holding a bottle of vodka she won at The Other Bar with her teammate, Mari (l).


So I went to Facebook, and posted a poll, asking people to tell me how frequently they consumed alcohol if they were to look at a three month average. The amount consumed each time wasn’t considered, because that’s another poll altogether. I got 178 responses, and here are the results:

As you can see, after we get rid of the people who don’t drink at all, we see that approximately 40% of the people polled consume alcohol two or less days a week on average. And approximately 48% consume alcohol three or more days a week on average.

What this demonstrates to me is that consuming alcohol three days a week is not a lot. In fact, it’s almost completely average! And that doesn’t take into account at all the sheer number of people who were too drunk to answer the poll.

What this pie chart doesn’t show is some other surprising statistics from my poll. I thought I’d share them here. Out of 178 people polled:

Two percent

prefer being self-satisfied judgmental douches over consuming alcohol

Four percent

feel bad about not drinking so we could probably peer pressure them into it

Six percent

would rather just tell me I drink too much rather than answer (read: dodge) the question

Seven percent

are allergic to alcohol, which is apparently a real thing. Probably more real than gluten allergies.

Nine percent

had to quickly explain that it’s only in moderation, as if they were going to get extra points for being the hall monitors of consuming alcohol

Ten percent

typed the answer to their poll with nicotine-stained fingers while explaining that drinking alcohol is unhealthy

Thirteen percent

have the reading comprehension of a four year old and are unable to simply choose a letter but needed to tell their life stories

Fifteen percent

felt compelled to justify their adult decision to consume alcohol because someone in their life must make them feel guilty about it

Sixteen percent

said they had only been drinking one day or less when the truth is that they’ve been drinking constantly for so long that it just seems like one really, really, really long day

Eighteen percent

had a drink in their hand as they answered the poll and lied blatantly about how infrequently they drink

Twenty-two percent

have no problem admitting that they enjoy drinking occasionally and understand that people who are judgmental are just kind of sad

Thirty-one percent

smoke weed so they were probably high and skewed my poll with the wrong answer

Forty percent

have consumed so much alcohol in one sitting at least once in their lives that it would forever change their average to at least twice a week

Fifty-three percent

are either strippers, comedians, bartenders, or otherwise work in an environment where they are constantly surrounded by alcohol, so their “normal” is different than someone who stays home all day and night and never leaves the house

Eighty-nine percent

were on the toilet when they answered the poll and then they went back to playing Angry Birds

Ninety-two percent

thought to themselves “Avitable is a weird fucking dude with a weird fucking life”

One hundred percent

will need a few stiff drinks after they see the next naked birthday card I’m coming up with for Facebook


What about you?

How many nights a week do you consume alcohol, on average?

View Results

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4 Replies to “An Unofficial Study Of Alcoholism And Judginess”

  1. hellohahanarf

    the header of the pie chart confuses me… “number of drinks per week on average” is very different than “how many days a week do you consume alcohol”

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