Dr. Adam Avitable knows all.

Top Five Ways To Have Better Mondays

Fuck Mondays!

Not only is today Monday, but it’s the first Monday of a brand new year, and that means that things might feel a little bleak. Mondays are generally considered the worst part of the week, but thanks to your friendly ol’ Uncle Avitable, here are five expert tips on ways to improve your Mondays:

  1. Drink more water

    Start your day with a bottle of ice-cold water! Water has magical powers that will replenish your body, making you feel full, happier, and healthier! Although, now that I think about it, vodka is also clear and has powers that will make you feel stronger, invincible, and sexier. Fuck water. Start your day with ice-cold vodka.

  2. Smile more

    It is scientifically proven that smiling relaxes you, helps your self-confidence, and improves your mood, so start your day by looking at your reflection and giving a big old grin! Ignore those wrinkles around the eyes or the smile lines. No, you don’t look older. Just smile! Aww fuck it, those scientists were probably happy morons who never had a bad day in their lives. Just start giving people the finger constantly. It’ll improve your mood even more significantly!

  3. Plan your week

    By planning your week and figuring out what projects you have due, what nights you’ll be going out, and what you’ll be eating for meals, the week will seem much less overwhelming. And when you consider that most of the time you’ll just ignore your planned menu and pick up Taco Bell at 3 AM after the happy hour you planned ends up going all night to the local strip club, and your real plan is just to avoid puking at work each morning, it’s nice to have some imaginary bullshit weekly plan to help you make yourself feel like you’re not a piece of shit.

  4. Stop procrastinating

    Procrastinating means that you’ll end up under a lot of stress with deadlines looming, and that’s not healthy! But it sure is fun, isn’t it? I mean, who here doesn’t think they don’t function better when it’s all on the line? We feel like traffic control operators, helping planes land without crashing into each other, high on coke and amphetamines, although the truth is just that you had to turn in a stupid report and if you had spent thirty seconds doing it four days ago, you wouldn’t be chugging coffee and sweating right now.

  5. Take frequent breaks

    The best way to handle your Monday is to take frequent breaks. After you wake up in the morning, shower and get ready, eat a healthy breakfast, and then take a break! Crawl back into bed for a quick 8-10 hour nap or so, and you will wake refreshed, ready to start your day. Best part is, it’ll be Tuesday!

I hope that helps you make the most of your week! I have no idea if any of these tips actually work, because per usual, I’m spending my Monday in my underwear, and I’m about to go to the movies, and then go drink my afternoon away.

This is part of a series in which I will attempt to write something every single day of 2016 here on Avitable.com. Will I be able to do it? You’ll only know if you subscribe using the form below!

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