Comedian Adam Avitable as Dear Abby

Unsolicited Advice

And sometimes I like to take questions from the Dear Abby website and answer them with an honesty that Abigail Van Buren (or whatever robot has replaced her) will never have.

FREE AT LAST says:  My husband has been in prison for three and a half years, but now he’s moving to a halfway house where he will have much more freedom. He wants to attend my church with me, and I know people there will have questions. Only a few of them know where he has been because I shared it with them. What’s the best way to make this comfortable for both of us and share it as we need to?

You should probably get a divorce and let him find someone who won’t be so embarrassed of him that she wouldn’t tell people in her church, a place that SHOULD be free from judgment and filled with love, about his situation.

Or find another church with less judgmental people. Probably one of those awful ones where the pastor wears trendy jeans, plays the guitar and rides a motorcycle.  

Also, give him my number so he can hook me up with some good weed.

WIDOW IN WASHINGTON STATE says: When my husband passed away four years ago, I donated his corneas to a local organization. I was told the donor family could write a letter to the recipients, who remain anonymous, telling them a little something about the donor but without divulging any personal data. I finally felt up to doing it a couple of years after the funeral.

I sent the letters to the organization, which forwarded them to the recipients. I was told not to expect a reply. I learned that two women in California had each received one of my husband’s corneas.

I have not heard from either of these ladies, which I really don’t understand. I don’t want a pat on the back, but I’d love to know how the corneas changed their lives. It would help me know that my husband’s death was not in vain.

It’s a fucking cornea. It let them see the new Star Wars movie in 3D. They went from looking like pirates to looking like normal people, so nobody comes up to them and says “Arrrr. Shiver me timbers” anymore. Move on.

FAMILY EXTENDED IN KANSAS says: My heart breaks when jokes are made about older children, especially sons, who still live at home. My son “Nick” has his own area of the house and cares for himself. His rent helps us greatly. My parents also live in another part of the house, and he helps with their needs sometimes.

Why does everyone make fun of these people without knowing the situation? Nick has a college degree and a good job, but the wages aren’t what they were in relation to the cost of living. We both work full time, and so I rarely see him. He also travels for his job and can be gone for two weeks at a time. He used to own a home, but sold it to move out of state for work. When he came back, we set up this arrangement to benefit all of us.

People need to look at the whole picture before making a judgment. Abby, do you think this is an unacceptable arrangement?

Haha your son’s name is Niiiiiiiiick. Nick the dick. Little dicky nicky. Dumb little nicky nicky tavi.

Oh shit. I mean, yeah, people are judgmental fucks most of the time. Seems like the situation is fine, so why do you care about what random people say on the Internet when speaking generally about kids who move back in with their parents?

TRYING TO STAY CELIBATE says: I am a 28-year-old woman who has decided, after 11 years and 50-plus partners, to become celibate. A couple of friends have attempted to get me to break my vow. These men know how they make me feel, and I am finding it difficult to stay away from them. Although I have stopped spending time with them, I still feel the urge to be with them.

So, do you have any advice on how to stay strong? It’s been one month, and I plan on staying this way until I get married.

I think the biggest question to answer is why you feel like you have to punish yourself by not having sex. Hopefully it’s not some misguided attempt to be religious and not have “sex before marriage” because you already fucked that one up. Plus, as anyone who values logic and rationality over terrible decisions will tell you, waiting until marriage to have sex with your partner leaves you with the very big risk of having a bad sex life, which will affect the rest of your marriage adversely.

In the end, I can only offer one legitimate piece of advice that will allow you to take care of your urges while still letting yourself believe that you’re doing something good by being celibate: anal.

VEGAN GIRL IN MASSACHUSETTS says: I am vegan, which makes dining out an adventure. In restaurants, veggies and pasta or a veggie wrap are pretty much a go-to. At family functions (weddings, showers), I bring my own non-dairy milk and butter and try not to call attention to myself. When someone (inevitably) notices, the questions begin, which I don’t mind.

What I do mind, however, is the hostility I encounter. “What makes you think you’re better than the rest of us?” is the most common comment. I don’t think I am, and I certainly have never implied it.

I need a response that won’t fuel the fire and will hopefully allow me to eat in peace. Thoughts?

Here’s a response. Eat some fuckin’ meat.

This is part of a series in which I will attempt to write something every single day of 2016. Will I be able to do it? You’ll only know if you subscribe using the form below!

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