On “The Martian”, being a comedy, and why The Golden Globes are run by idiots

So, last night, during the Golden Globes, “The Martian”, a dramatic film by Ridley Scott, won the award for “Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical“, beating out actual comedies such as “Trainwreck” or “Spy”.

The reasoning behind this decision by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association is a bit muddled, but it seems like there were a lot of good dramas this year, and if “The Martian” is guaranteed a win by being called a comedy, maybe Matt Damon would show up. So, basically, the equivalent of a teenage girl throwing a party on a Tuesday night just because the guy she has the crush on is only available that day. At least nobody has ever considered the Hollywood Foreign Press to be anything other than a bunch of celebrity-starved attention whores.

The Martian Best Comedy at the Golden Globes

I thought I would help them out a bit. Instead of robbing deserving movies that are actual comedies, maybe next year’s Golden Globes could include a broader range of categories that will allow them to make sure their favorite celebrities show up. Here are my suggestions:

  • Most Independent Film Starring an A-Lister who Owes a Friend a Favor
  • Best Funny Cameo by Someone who is Normally a Serious Actor
  • Best Film that Should be a Drama but has some Levity to Break the Tension
  • Best Actor/Actress who hasn’t been in Anything Good this Year
  • Weirdest Facial Hair
  • Best Fake Accent in a Period Piece
  • Best Actor/Actress who would Totally be our Best Friend if We Just had a Chance to Talk
  • Classiest Actor/Actress who got Naked on Film for Art
  • Best Hemsworth
  • Twistiest Twist
  • Actress Least Likely to Wear Panties to the Golden Globes
  • Best Trailer although We Forgot to Watch the Movie
  • Actor/Actress we want to Meet Before They Do Something Crazy or Racist
  • Biggest Advertising Plug Disguised as a Film
  • Largest Superhero Codpiece
  • Actor/Actress Most Likely to Bring a Supermodel as a Date
  • Best Show About Murderers
  • Best Terrible Sitcom with Predictable Jokes that Middle America Loves for some Reason
  • Best Thing Bryan Cranston Did
  • Actor/Actress that we Haven’t Met who Might Die Soon
  • Ugliest Baby, Like Seriously. Where did Those Genes Come From?
  • Cleverest Commentary on Society, Politics, Sex, or Religion
  • Best Scene that Resulted in the Dankest Meme or GIF
  • Best Movie About Dancing
  • Best Heroes’ Journey Disguised as a Quest to Get Laid

You’re welcome.

This is part of a series in which I will attempt to write something every single day of 2016. Will I be able to do it? You’ll only know if you subscribe using the form below!

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