Comedian Adam Avitable hosts a birthday squanch

Party prep 101: Avitable’s 39th Birthday Squanch

Tomorrow, on January 30th, I am throwing a birthday party at my house. My parties are infamous, and I love throwing a good debaucherous affair. I thought I would take a minute and pass on some tips for throwing the perfect soirée.

Here is a simple pre-party checklist that should make your life easier next time you’re having a little get-together:

  • Empty each trash can. Place 3-4 folded new trashbags in the bottom of each can, and then put a new bag in the can properly. This will save time when you have to change the trash throughout the night. This will really suck if someone takes an empty trash can and pukes in it, though.
  • Restock all bathrooms with toilet paper. Add a note next to the bathroom trashcan that reminds your guests to please use the trash for all used tampons, condoms, torn panties, and accidental babies.
  • Buy bottled water. Give each guest a bottle of water as they leave for the night so that they can stay hydrated and not be too inebriated. Print a small label to stick to each bottle that states “By accepting this bottle and exiting my house, you are hereby agreeing that I have no legal liability for any stupid decisions you make while drunk, including driving, voting, texting your ex, having sex with your ex, getting your ex pregnant, or posting on Instagram.”
  • Buy more food than you think you’ll need. It’s always a good idea to have more chips and dip than you think people will eat, because there will be spillage, waste, and drunken gluttony. In addition, when you’re faced with the prospect of cleaning up the next morning, you can just say the hell with it and eat chips and dip before setting your house on fire and calling it a day.
  • Pay your vendors when they arrive. There’s nothing more awkward than being drunk at your own party at the end of the night and having your vendors standing around waiting for you to remember where you left your pants, and then those vendors send their pimp Fitty Tree Knuckles in to beat the piss out of you because “dese hos gots to be paid.” I mean, vendors. Not hookers. Vendors.
  • Be ready on time. If you start your party at 9, make sure that you’ve done all your finishing touches by 8:59. It’s proper decorum and you know that there will be that one dorky guy named Clarence who shows up at 9 PM sharp because he doesn’t understand proper fuckin’ etiquette, and he’s probably just been looking in your window since 8:30 because he doesn’t understand how to use a GPS either.
  • Moderate your drinking. If you’re the host, be a host. Drink water between drinks, avoid more than two keg stands, and don’t let yourself pass out until after the last guest has either left or fallen asleep in the pool. It’s an unwritten rule that if the host passes out first, every guest gets to steal something from your closet, box of sex toys, or pantry.
  • Don’t stress! The fun of having a party and celebrating whatever you’re celebrating – birthday, equinox, a day that ends in y, your new shipment from Bath and Body Works arriving, whatever – can be overshadowed by the stress of preparing for it. Keep in mind that your guests won’t notice if the floor isn’t sparkling clean, or if the shower is still damp. You want to tidy, but pretty soon you’re going to have 50-150 drunk obnoxious fuckers tracking everything from mud to oh my god is that dog shit through your house, spilling drinks places like in your washing machine and behind your couch and across your wall, and leaving bodily fluids everywhere. So, fuck ’em if the house isn’t 100% perfect. It’s your party and you’ll do what you want to.

If you live in the Central Florida and I know who you are and don’t think you’re a total dickbag, you can come to my party tomorrow! Bring a bottle of booze, bacon, beer, or boobs, and celebrate my birthday in the raucous, immature style to which I’m accustomed. See you Saturday!

This is part of a series in which I will attempt to write something every single day of 2016. Will I be able to do it? You’ll only know if you subscribe using the form below!

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