I’m so angry.

The thing is, I don’t let myself get angry anymore.

buzz buzz buzz

I haven’t lost my temper in years. Literal decades.

buzz buzz buzz

I trained myself in college to count to three, take a breath, and reassess the world. Was it really worth losing my temper? The answer was always no.

buzz buzz buzz

But this week? My safeguards have said “fuck it, we’re on vacation until people stop dying.” Grief and sadness have worn me down until I can’t feel anything except this constant buzzing. I wear it like a second skin, arcing and sparking off me, just waiting. For one last person to show a disregard for humanity, a contempt for civility, a lack of respect for me or someone I care about. That’s all it would take.

buzz buzz buzz

I realized exactly how angry I was on Thursday night, after a show, when a drunken idiot, sporting a mid-90s MTV VJ hair style and a pin-striped shirt indicating he knew how to fix air conditioners, took offense that we didn’t care for the awful joke he needed to share with us and decided to hurl invective at us. It wasn’t anything special or anything we hadn’t heard before, but I started to get mad. And when I closed my eyes for a second to count to three, instead I saw myself putting my right hand on his neck and throwing him to the ground, kneeling on his chest and driving my fists into his face until he was a sopping, bloody mess, with swollen eyes, a broken nose, a gaping open toothless maw for a mouth. I opened my eyes and dared him to say one more fucking word, which, as you’ve guessed, he didn’t.

buzz buzz buzz

I’ve been walking that edge for the last three days now. Normally, a buzzing like this precipitates an anxiety attack, and some deep breathing and mental acknowledgement of my inability to control my life will alleviate it; or, in extreme cases, I’ll just take a Klonopin and a nap. But this is different. Deep breathing just accelerates my adrenaline, and the rush of blood in my ears brings a smile to my face. I don’t even want to write about it – I want to walk around until I see someone who deserves to be hurt and I want to hurt them and just keep hurting them because it isn’t fucking fair that we’ve lost good people who should still be around and all of the shitty fucking assholes are still oozing around and i just want to feel something right now because i haven’t cried yet and i’m so fucking goddamn angry at the world and i can’t breathe because fuck you for still being here when they’re not and i know it can’t bring anyone back to smash my fist into some idiot’s face but it might bring me back to the place i need to be because i’ve lost my center.


I’m so angry right now.


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7 Replies to “I’m so angry.”

  1. Jen

    I was thinking this very thing yesterday. Dumbasses abound while good people are taken away without any warning. Life isn’t fair, something my mother has told me for decades. I wish she’d been wrong. Hang in there.

  2. Little Miss Sunshine State

    I get how the world can work on your emotions. I don’t get the people who can look at all the tornadoes swirling around them and choose to have no reaction at all. I guess some of us were born with a special kind of insulation and some of us were not.

    I don’t have the same reaction as you do. My brain won’t even produce the kind of energy it takes to get really angry. I do the opposite…I shut it all down, go into super low energy mode and crawl under my virtual security blanket and get really quiet. I know it’s all out there but I try to block it u till it comes out in tears.

    I can imagine it must exhaust you to feel that rage and need to suppress it. Be good to yourself.

  3. Ed Horch

    I completely know that extremely unpleasant buzz. It’s a very dark head space, but I see it as one of the many dualities in life, and I know that’s what I would draw on if I ever had to, say, defend my daughter against an attacker. I wish it would stay put during non-emergencies, though.

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